Arm Candy
by NeekerBreeker
Summary: Tatsuha's dreams meet reality, but is he ready to face the difference between the two? [animeverse]
1. Track One

Arm Candy  
  
Genre: Shounen ai. It's all the rage these days. Perhaps you've heard of it? No? Then go read/watch Gravitation again, and this time, notice that none of the leading characters have breasts.  
  
Pairing: Ryuuichi x Tatsuha  
  
Babble, babble: Finally, all the stupid fangirl Japanese has been cleaned out. I made an exception on the suffixes (you know, those groovy thingies after everybody's penname in the anime fandom.) I feel they are part of the characterization and often a pain to translate. (You could also say that I just plain like suffixes.) There are also other minor changes throughout the fic; when I butcher my fics, I do it properly.  
  
End of babble. Follow the cute little plus symbols to the fic.  
  
+++++  
  
Track One  
  
"Oh, c'mon, Tatsuha-san, it'll be fine! No one's gonna eat you out there!" Shuuichi coaxed, his voice positively dripping honey.   
  
He had come to realize that if Yuki was a tough one to coax into doing anything, his brother wasn't much easier. But by now, Shuuichi had tried every trick in the book and was losing hope. He looked at Tatsuha's face, which was exactly as drawn as before, and his nerves failed.   
  
"Argh, I give up!"  
  
He slammed the car door closed and turned his back on both the car and Tatsuha who was sitting on the back seat doing his best to melt into the upholstery. Shuuichi stomped to the other side of the street where Yuki was standing, examining a shopping list.  
  
"YUKI! Do something about your stupid brother, he refuses to come inside!"  
  
Yuki shoved the list into the breast pocket of his shirt and put on his sunglasses.  
  
"You handle him. It was your idea to bring him with you to the recording."  
  
He started walking towards the nearby store, ignoring Shuuichi who danced around him.  
  
"But! Butbutbut! Yuki! Yukiii! I just wanted to do something nice for him, don't you want too? He's your brother after all! And who knows when an opportunity like this is gonna rise again, probably NEVER, so we hafta -"  
  
Yuki stopped on his heels and breathed deep. For anyone else, it would've been an obvious warning sign. Shuuichi, though, took it as a sign of defeat, and went on, encouraged.  
  
"You see, Yuki? It's one of those one in a billion chances. Right? Don't you agree? I'm serious, I mean it, we can't have him wimp out now!"  
  
Reluctantly, Yuki turned back.  
  
"The last time I'm giving you a ride to the studio..." he muttered grumpily.  
  
Shuuichi threw his hands around Yuki's neck and came close to throwing him down on the pavement.  
  
"Yes! I knew you'd agree!"  
  
However, when they returned to Yuki's car, there was no one inside. Only Shuuichi's bag lay on the backseat.  
  
"I can't believe it! He ran away!" Shuuichi exclaimed, his eyes huge.  
  
"It didn't occur to you that he might have already gone inside?" Yuki quipped irritatedly.   
  
Shuuichi eyed the NG building, blinking.  
  
"Oh right! Well, if he did I better go after him. It's so huge and complex, even I get lost sometimes!"   
  
He grabbed his bag and hurried towards the doors.  
  
"I'm sure you do," Yuki said sarcastically.   
  
Shuuichi turned around to wave goodbye and smile at Yuki before dashing through the doors. Yuki found himself automatically raising his hand in respond, then caught himself, quickly looked around him and shoved his hand back in his pocket. He turned away and returned to his Friday shopping.  
  
+  
  
In the meantime, Tatsuha sat on a bench at the hall of the NG Record Company building. He leaned back and stared at the ceiling far above him. It seemed he was the only one in the whole floor; most likely everyone was downstairs where the studios were, preparing for the recording. Tatsuha closed his eyes and wondered how on earth he was going to come out of this alive.  
  
To think that only a few days ago Tatsuha had been majorly bored. There had seemed to be nothing to occupy himself with back home in Kyoto, so he had stuffed a few things into his old backpack and crashed in his brother's apartment. After a good deal of arguing he had got the permission to stay for a few days, even though his brother usually never let him use the apartment when he was there himself. To Tatsuha, being in Tokyo made holiday true. It was the hottest part of the summer, and his economic situation was better than for ages, so why not kick back and enjoy life in the capital, where life was offered in full doses?   
  
Shuuichi had welcomed the new subtenant as readily as Eiri had reluctantly, and the last two nights had been spent mostly in front of the TV screen, discussing Nittle Grasper's songs, lyrics, haircuts and anything other related to the topic. Tatsuha had never really had any fellow Nittle Grasper maniacs around to talk with, so he was more than happy to associate himself with Shuuichi as much as possible. Sure all his friends had claimed to love the band when it was on top of every list in Japan, but none of them felt the kind of devotion to it as Tatsuha did.   
  
Not even Shuuichi, he thought. The guy was a hardcore fan, but even the fact that he imitated Sakuma Ryuuichi's singing style told a lot. Shuuichi saw Sakuma as a rolemodel; something that he, too, could be if he practiced hard enough. Tatsuha didn't believe that. To him, Sakuma Ryuuichi was forever on a different level, impossible for mere mortals to touch. If everyone ever reached him, it would be Sakuma himself who pulled them to him.  
  
It had seemed like a great idea when Shuuichi first suggested that he could take Tatsuha with him when the Bad Luck was recording their next single. Tatsuha had been to the studio before, but he had never had time to really listen to the band, and he was kind of interested in seeing the whole process of recording. Shuuichi had told him they'd need an extra hand with moving all their gear to the van for the night's concert after recording, and Tatsuha had volunteered. At least he got to hang out with the band for the whole day, see what it was like to be in the music business.  
  
It was not until Eiri was driving all three of them to the studio that Shuuichi mentioned that the song they were going to record was to be done with Nittle Grasper.  
  
Immediately, Tatsuha had panicked. At first, it was merely disbelief; he was sitting in a car which was taking him straight to his god. No, things like this just didn't happen! Not to him, anyway! Shuuichi had tried his best to calm him down, told him that "Sakuma-san" was actually a really fun guy and that he never looked down on anyone. But how could Shuuichi understand? He was a rising star himself, he knew how people in music business were. He could take it all in stride; it was all part of the lifestyle he had chosen for himself. To Tatsuha, it was different altogether. Very different.  
  
  
  
Of course he had seen Nittle Grasper perform live, but even so, they had been a good distance away from him, totally unreachable up on their stage...  
  
Tatsuha snapped out of his musings and turned his head to face Shuuichi, who was running towards him.  
  
"There you are, Tatsuha-san! Hurry up, we're already late!" Shuuichi shouted and caught Tatsuha's arm, pulling him up.  
  
"R-right," Tatsuha said unevenly, and made an attempt to collect himself. He straightened his leather jacket and followed Shuuichi to the lift.   
  
They descended only two floors, but it seemed like miles to Tatsuha, who counted each second as if it was his last.  
  
*Maybe he's not even there,* he thought, gnawing nervously on his fingernails and wishing he believed his own words. *Maybe he's cancelled, or they're already done with the recording. And who says I will get a glimpse of him, even if the band IS there? There's bound to be lifeguards and managers and whatever who keep mere laborers like me from being in their way. So, basically, there is little chance that I ever even- *  
  
"Oh, lookie, Kumagorou, it's Shuuichi! And he's got a friend with him, too!"  
  
Tatsuha's head snapped up and he found himself facing a cute, pink stuffed bunny.   
  
But that voice... Oh, that voice...  
  
Shuuichi laughed, scratching the back of his neck, looking a bit vain at finding his idol talking to him in such a familiar way.  
  
"Ah ha ha... hello, Sakuma-san..."  
  
Tatsuha didn't hear his voice. He practically froze when the bunny was replaced by the face he saw anywhere he looked in his room. Except that it lacked the two-dimensional dullness of all his pictures. His eyes immediately spotted a hundred details that only heightened the perfection he had come to worship from afar. They all burned in Tatsuha's memory: the way his eyes gleamed, that one, shiny lock of hair which was hanging right over his left eye, all the shades of blue and silver dancing on his shirt as he moved...  
  
While Tatsuha stared, in a state of fanboy euphoria in which he was unable to utter a word, Sakuma Ryuuichi blinked at his face.  
  
"Shuuichi... your friend's all funny. Can't talk."  
  
He lifted Kumagorou and poked Tatsuha's nose with its paw.   
  
Shuuichi quickly took the situation in stride. He wrapped one arm around Tatsuha's shoulders and gave him a good squeeze to wake him up from his stupor.  
  
"Sakuma-san, this is Uesugi Tatsuha, he's a friend of mine and he's promised to help us around with packing, isn't that great?"  
  
Maybe it was Shuuichi's grip, or the fact that Sakuma turned his face at Shuuichi that finally made Tatsuha blink once and start breathing again.  
  
"Shuuichi!" Ryuuichi currently lectured, "I've told you a hundred million zillion times, just drop the 'Sakuma-san'! Friends don't call their friends that!"   
  
His eyes suddenly filled with tears.  
  
"Waahhh! Don'cha wanna be my friend anymore, Shuuichi? 'Cause if you don't then who's gonna sing with me today?!"  
  
Tatsuha thought he was going to die out of witnessing such cuteness.  
  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Of course I'm still your friend, um, Ryuuichi!" Shuuichi said quickly, patting Sakuma on the back reassuringly.   
  
Sakuma sniffled and gnawed on Kumagorou's ear.  
  
Shuuichi opened his mouth to say something else, but was interrupted by a click. Or more accurately, the sound of a safety catch of a gun being clicked off. All three turned around to face an AK-47, and the manager K, who was pointing it towards them.  
  
"Could you two vocalists please get in the recording room?" he asked, beaming. "It appears we're already 34 minutes off the schedule."  
  
"K! I've told you, don't point a gun at Kumagorou or he'll get really mad at you!" Ryuuichi said and pouted. "And then I'll get mad, and I can be really nasty when I'm mad! You know I can, and - hey, the recording's starting?!"  
  
His pout changed quickly back to happy smile as the thought of singing kicked in.   
  
"Can't miss our duet, Shuu-chan! Race ya!" he exclaimed, nudging Shuuichi, and took a good head start down the corridor.  
  
Sakuma and Shuuichi hurried off, leaving the baffled Tatsuha behind with the scary blond holding an AK-47.  
  
"Hey, Shuuichi, you can't just- " Tatsuha tried.  
  
He only got a quick apologising glance over Shuuichi's shoulder before he disappeared around a corner.   
  
"And now you," K said to him in English, looking at him somewhat suspiciously - but then again, it's kind of hard to look at people trustfully while holding them at gunpoint.  
  
"Huh?" Tatsuha blinked stupidly. His brain was on a well-earned rest after the sensoral overload the moment before.  
  
"Who are you supposed to be?" K asked, changing back into Japanese, albeit accented.  
  
"Oh, I - I'm Uesugi Tatsuha, I was supposed to help around with carrying all the stuff..."   
  
He felt somewhat uneasy. Hadn't Shuuichi bothered to inform anyone beforehand?  
  
"Uh huh. Well, as long as you're not carrying explosives, I'm willing to give you the benefit of doubt for now."  
  
K gave Tatsuha the first smile, and it was wide and so dazzling it almost blinded him.   
  
"You're an acquientance of our hit singer, then?"  
  
"Yeah," Tatsuha said and nodded, more like himself again.   
  
They began walking after the two singers, along the corridor.   
  
"Of Shindou Shuuichi's, that is," Tatsuha added quickly. Surely the scary blond didn't think he actually knew Sakuma Ryuuichi?   
  
When they reached the recording room, K told Tatsuha to go find himself a seat and disappeared through a door which said "STAFF". Tatsuha looked around, didn't see any free chairs and decided to use his backpack as a makeshift pillow. He slumped down on it and leaned his back against the wall, making sure he wasn't in anyone's way. He could hear someone tuning up an electric guitar, and all around him, people rushed to and fro, shouting and arguing. He didn't see a glimpse of a familiar face anywhere.   
  
Tatsuha breathed deep and started rewinding back to the scene in front of the lift, making himself collect all the pieces together. Okay, so he had met Sakuma Ryuuichi face to face. Literally. And what a complete idiot he had been! He mentally kicked himself angrily. The one and only Sakuma Ryuuichi had stood only a step away from him and he hadn't even introduced himself! Now the opportunity was forever lost. How absolutely *stupid* could you get? Nobody paid any attention to Tatsuha as he almost bit off his lower lip in frustration.   
  
Finally the voice of Ryuuichi made him look up to the glass which separated the recording room from the surveillance room he was in.  
  
"Okay, everybody! Are you all set up? Shuuichi and I are itching to get to the song!" Ryuuichi shouted through the thick glass.   
  
He had left the stuffed bunny to sit on top of the synthesizer, and looked more serious, more adult. Now anyone could see what he was; a veteran of music business, the god of the stage who lived for singing.   
  
Tatsuha slowly rose up on his feet while all the other people in the room sat down in front of small monitors and such. He watched with an anticipating gleam in his eyes as the band kicked off the song and Ryuuichi joined Shuuichi by the microphone, both of them nodding to the rhythm, waiting for their time. Tatsuha ignored the nasty grip at his insides at the sight of Ryuuichi poking at Shuuichi's face and the two of them sharing a grin.  
  
+  
  
The recording was over before he knew it. All of a sudden, people were leaving the room, and finally only Tatsuha and a handful of others stayed behind. Tatsuha watched through the glass as the Bad Luck discussed something with K and someone else whom Tatsuha assumed to be their producer or something of the sort. Ryuuichi was nowhere to be seen. He had disappeared towards the dressing room.  
  
"'Scuse me," said someone, and Tatsuha turned around. One of the men who had stayed in the room was standing in front of him. He was very tall and wore an exceedingly dirty t-shirt and torn jeans. He had a bandanna to keep his black locks from falling over his small, dark eyes. He looked like a mechanic, Tatsuha thought to himself.  
  
"You're the extra hand K-san told us about?" the man inquired.   
  
Tatsuha nodded.  
  
"Good, then why don't you follow me. I'll show you the way to the backdoor. We'll carry all the stuff through it to avoid any fuss."  
  
"Okay, let's do it. Oh, I'm Uesugi Tatsuha," Tatsuha said, remembering to introduce himself this time.   
  
The tall man nodded.  
  
"Inahara Mamoru. This is Akito." He nudged his friend, who had already started to unplug the wires and wind them up.  
  
"Nice to meet ya," Tatsuha said collectively, and then looked over his shoulder to the recording room. The Bad Luck were already packing up their stuff, and Shuuichi was coming towards the door. Tatsuha knitted his brows. Where had Ryuuichi disappeared to? Come on, needn't he also talk about the recording with his manager or something? Tatsuha had watched him sing only a moment before, and he already missed seeing him...  
  
"Hey, where you lookin' at?" Mamoru said and poked him. "Those amps don't carry themselves."  
  
Tatsuha shook his head and let his coal black hair cover his face.  
  
"Nothing. Let's go."   
  
He followed the two others out of the room.  
  
+  
  
Tatsuha was shown how to navigate in the cellar floor, and then the real work started. Actually it was fun; once the heavy stuff was carried to the van, the Bad Luck came to help with all the wires and other light but delicate stuff and Tatsuha chattered with Shuuichi and the guitarist Hiro while they all tried to make some sense of where the wires were supposed to go.   
  
"Is it always this much hassle to get packed up?" Tatsuha asked after taking a gulp of water from the bottle Hiro had offered him. The warm day was threatening to turn into a considerably humid night. Tatsuha had had to take off his leatherjacket a good while before, and was now wishing he had a sleeveless shirt like Shuuichi's.  
  
"Well, we aren't exactly used to all this yet," Hiro replied, grinning, and threw the rest of the water over his reddish hair and then shook it off. "Man, it's hot! I'm glad I get to change before the concert!"  
  
"Yes, the heat really is a pain," said Fujisaki Suguru, the keyboardist. "I've heard that in small concert halls, it sometimes gets so humid that all the moisture in the air will actually turn into water which will rain on the audience."  
  
"What, you mean they get their own sweat right back on them? Yuck," Shuuichi said, making a face.  
  
"Tatsuha-san, you're coming to the concert, aren't you?" Hiro inquired, smiling. It was only partly a question.  
  
"Well, that depends," Tatsuha replied, fanning his face. "Isn't it in some kind of a night club?  
  
"More like a bar," Hiro admitted. "We can't afford proper night clubs just yet - except Perushana, but we used to particularly live there, so it's different."  
  
"But hey, soon!" Shuuichi added enthusiasticly.  
  
"Bar or night club, if they got bouncers, I won't be able to get in. You see, I'm not 20 yet," Tatsuha confessed somewhat reluctantly. He didn't like telling people his real age, because most of the time, he could pass as old as his brother.   
  
"How old do you think Fujisaki is?" Hiro asked, laughing. "If you arrive with us, there'll be no problems, believe me!"  
  
"Except the intense heat that I mentioned," Fujisaki cut in, "which can cause electric devices to disfunction because of the moisture, and then the effect it will have on our own performance -"  
  
"Fujisaki, you're SUCH a killer of the party!" Shuuichi exclaimed. "Bad Luck won't let weather order 'em around!"  
  
Hiro and Tatsuha laughed, while Fujisaki pouted, muttering, "I'm just saying it's theoretically possible that..."  
  
K stopped by to inform that if they wanted to be in the place where the concert was held in time, they should get inside right now.  
  
"What's going on?" Tatsuha asked.  
  
"Dinner!" Shuuichi happily exclaimed, already hopping on his way.  
  
"Caf dinner," Hiro added. "It's usually horrible but we don't have time for anything else. You gonna join us?"  
  
"Can I? Great, I'm starving. Right now even caf food sounds edible," Tatsuha said and grinned, throwing his backpack over one shoulder.  
  
In a few minutes, he got to define 'edible' again. The greyish rice and wiltered vegetables did little to appease his hunger.  
  
"This is by far the worst bentou lunch I've ever eaten," he stated as Shuuichi stuffed his face opposite of him.  
  
"You should try sandwiches, they're good," Shuuichi replied from behind his huge bagel.  
  
"You mean they're not walking away from your mouth," Hiro commented with a crooked smile, then pointed his plastic fork at Shuuichi. "And for your information, it's not good to eat heavy food before a concert. It slags your performance down."  
  
"Never heard a pudding slagging anyone down," Shuuichi insisted.  
  
"Oh yeah? How about pudding AND bagel AND potato salad AND cream soda?" Hiro asked, raising one eyebrow.  
  
"'M hungry," Shuuichi muttered and took a huge gulp of the violently green soda.  
  
Tatsuha took another bite of the pickled radish and after swallowing it down with great effort, stood up with the plastic bentou box in his hand.  
  
"That's my limit. I'll go see if I can find a McDonald's around the corner, I can't swallow this stuff."   
  
He threw the uneaten food right in the carbage can and picked up his things.   
  
"Hurry up, then," Hiro said, waving goodbye with his fork.  
  
"I'll catch up with you guys downstairs," Tatsuha said and walked away from the cafeteria.  
  
"Fifteen minutes, folks!" he heard K announce behind him. "We have a show to catch!"  
  
+  
  
Tatsuha hopped down the stairs.  
  
*They're doing great for such a new band. I wish I was a musician too, it seems like hard but fun work. All that discipline required is beyond me though... oh, and there's the fact that I can't even whistle...*  
  
He smiled a small, self-ironic smile.  
  
*Maybe if I had a terrific singing voice like Shuuichi or the same star appeal it could've been me in the recording room next to Sakuma-sama... Argh, what am I thinking, this is nuts! I can't possibly be jealous or something... and of all people, Shindou Shuuichi? He's got my brother, and you'd think he's enough to chew on for a long while!*  
  
His stomach, rational as it was, ended such thoughts by making it known that it was not by far appeased with the bad half-eaten bentou lunch, and he decided to go hurry. Humming the song that had been recorded before, he headed towards the doors.  
  
*I'd kill for a good, honest cheeseburger right now...*  
  
He quickly shaded his eyes with his other hand when the hot Tokyo sun caught him unawares.  
  
*Augh, it's still hot out though it's almost evening. I hope that sweat thing Fujisaki talked about doesn't happen at the place they're playing in... What was the name again? Syntex... signal... sin-something...*  
  
Tatsuha thought he'd check how much money he had in his pocket, but then realized he wasn't wearing his jacket.  
  
*Hey, where's - damn, I left it in the recording room!*  
  
He turned right around and hurried back inside. His keys and wallet where in the pocket, and if someone had locked the doors...   
  
Tatsuha descended two floors with a lift and ran through the corridor, the same way he had gone when he had first arrived. To his huge relief, the door to the recording room was not yet locked. Tatsuha quickly found his jacket, and went through the pockets to see if something was missing. Everything seemed to be in place, so he flung the jacket over his shoulder and looked around a little. The place was empty now, and rather dark since all the lights had been switched off. Tatsuha didn't stop to switch them on. He headed straight back to the door.  
  
He did stop, however, when he heard someone coughing in the vicinity. He quickly looked right and left, fearing that some guard was going to give him hell for sneaking in the room like that, but saw no one. The coughs were not meant to draw attention; the cougher was almost spitting his or her lungs out, judging from the harsh sound.  
  
"Hello?" Tatsuha called, thinking perhaps some cleaning lady was having a seizure. He looked around in the room, which was empty, and then realised the sound must have come from the room marked STAFF. Tatsuha knocked on the door.  
  
"Hey, is everything all right there?"  
  
A moment passed as the cougher most likely caught his or her breath.  
  
"Yeah." The answer came in a low, male voice. "I'm fine."  
  
"You sure?" Tatsuha confirmed, frowning. "That sounded pretty bad. I can go get someone - "  
  
"No!" came a harsh reply. Then Tatsuha heard the speaker walk closer to the door. He moved away from it, but the other didn't open it.  
  
"No, don't call anyone. Just let me be, okay?" The voice was weak and even somewhat bitter.  
  
"O-okay, gotcha," Tatsuha said and nodded to the door. He turned to continue on his way.   
  
He glanced over his shoulder when he heard the door opened. His jaw dropped and eyes grew big at the moment he saw the slumped figure leave the room and silently push the door closed. That slumped figure was Sakuma Ryuuichi.  
  
"Sakuma...san?" Tatsuha unintentionally said aloud.  
  
The singer slowly turned around. Although still carrying the pink bunny, he had no trace of the former childishness in his form. Tatsuha was shocked; this wasn't the "funny guy" Shuuichi saw him as, neither was it the god of the stage he had himself worshipped for years. What he saw was a tired-looking, brown-haired man with boyish features but adult eyes, who had drawn a cap to almost hide his face.  
  
"Oh, it's you?" A tired smile. "You came with Shuuichi, right?"  
  
Tatsuha quickly closed his mouth which was currently gaping open. This time he would keep his head clear.  
  
"Yeah, I'm a friend of his."  
  
Sakuma's eyes left him and turned to the floor instead.  
  
"I thought so." He let out a small cough. "Well, I better get going. It was nice meeting you, ...?"  
  
"Ta-Tatsuha. Uesugi Tatsuha."  
  
Sakuma looked back at him, straight in the eyes. He nodded quietly.  
  
"Um... Sakuma-san?" Tatsuha struggled for his voice.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Are you... okay?"   
  
*What a brilliant line,* Tatsuha thought, and kicked himself mentally. He went on, gathering his wits.   
  
"I just thought, how could you pull out such a voice in the recording even though you're coughing that bad... Ah forget it, I'm just wondering."  
  
"It's just a cold." Sakuma smiled, but it wasn't a particularly happy smile. "I've sung in worse conditions."  
  
"Of course," Tatsuha muttered, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He felt stupid. What was he doing here, a sixteen-year-old kid giving advice to a professional musician?   
  
"Should have remembered. You sang in the Tokyo Dome in May 1998 although you had a pneumonia."   
  
The words rolled off his tongue before he could think what he said, and after they did, Tatsuha slapped a hand over his mouth in horror.  
  
Sakuma smiled. Tatsuha couldn't tell if the smile was mocking or honestly amused.  
  
"I read about it in the Bop Peat," Tatsuha quickly added, turning red of humiliation and hating it.   
  
*Actually, I own three copies of that specific magazine, all with different collectible covers...*  
  
"I had forgotten all about that," Sakuma said, and this time, Tatsuha was sure his voice was not mocking in any way. "So you're a fan? And Shuuichi brought you here to see me? That was nice of him."  
  
"Yeah, you know Shuu-chan, heart all gold. Though he seemed to forget to tell anyone, that airhead."   
  
Tatsuha was rewarded with another cryptical smile. He was starting to feel more relaxed. All thoughts of hurrying back up to the Bad Luck were forgotten. Only this moment mattered, everything else was secondary. He was talking with Sakuma Ryuuichi, alone, and what was more, he was actually starting to feel good about the conversation.  
  
"So, you want an autograph or something?" Sakuma asked with a playful tone returning to his voice.  
  
"Nah, it's okay," Tatsuha found himself answering, to his own amazement. It seemed somehow wrong to ask for anything. He didn't want to appear more like a desperate fanboy than he already surely appeared.  
  
"In that case, I really should be going. K doesn't like it when I'm late." Sakuma made a face, which actually brightened up his tired features and made him look irresistibly cute.  
  
"Oh, right! I guess I should be hurrying, too," Tatsuha said. "I'm supposed to go with Bad Luck, they must be waiting for me."  
  
Sakuma's eyes widened. "You're going to the concert too?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
Sakuma's face turned back to the childish brightness as he smiled widely. "How cool! I'm sure they'll give us a good show tonight. Can't wait to hear 'em!"  
  
Tatsuha blinked. "You mean you're not going to sing with them?"  
  
"Do I look like I'm in any condition to be on the stage?" Sakuma asked back.   
  
Tatsuha was again taken slightly aback at the thought of Sakuma Ryuuichi being sick, like mere mortals. He didn't know how to reply.  
  
Sakuma smiled faintly. "Right. Perhaps I do. But drugs only get you so far. And not even the greatest medicine is any help in as crowded place as a bar. You must breathe to be able to sing, y'know. But! I'm babbling again. K always gave me hell because of it! C'mon, we don't wanna be late!"   
  
He winked and grabbed Tatsuha's hand, walking out to the corridor.   
  
Tatsuha's heart leaped straight into his throat and he swallowed it back down in order to blurt out, "H-hey! What - where are you taking me?"  
  
"To the concert, of course!" Sakuma laughed. "I'm sure Bad Luck have already left, they have to check out the stage and all that. So you can come with me and K, okay?"  
  
*Oh KILL ME NOW...* Tatsuha thought, but managed to reply soberly, "I guess I can."  
  
+  
  
K was waiting outside the building behind the steering wheel of a shining black car. Tatsuha was literally pushed onto the backseat. The upholstery was royal red, and he felt he had just entered a dream.  
  
"Hi K, sorry we're late! Did you bring my meds?" Sakuma asked, sitting on the front seat and slamming the car door shut after him.  
  
"Ryuuichi, what have I said about your timing?" K patiently retorted.  
  
Sakuma blinked innocently. "That it's horrible, terrible, totally non-existant?"  
  
"Correct."   
  
K started up the car and handed Sakuma a small white container as if it was his prize for the right answer. The singer opened it and gulped down two pills he had fished from it. He made a face.  
  
"Ugh, I hate these things, they're almost too big to swallow! As if my poor throat doesn't hurt enough. Tatsuha-kun, could you give me a can of beer? They're in the cool box under the seat."  
  
Tatsuha reached down to take the asked for can and handed it to Sakuma.  
  
"Thanks. Help yourself if you want one."  
  
Tatsuha hesitated for a moment, but then snatched one can and closed the box, pushing it back under the seat.  
  
"Ryuuichi, what have I said about mixing drugs and alcohol?" K asked, giving the can a disapproving look.   
  
Sakuma opened the can and took a long sip. "Come on, K, one beer doesn't matter!"  
  
"Wrong answer," K announced, frowning. "And would you care to tell me why I'm driving a part-time studio worker?"  
  
Tatsuha jumped a little, opening his mouth to offer an explanation, but Sakuma was quicker.  
  
"Oh, that's just Tatsuha-kun! He's coming to the concert too, so I thought I'd bring him with us."  
  
Tatsuha suddenly felt K's sharp eyes on him and he almost choked on his beer.  
  
"Oh is that right. Ryuuichi, sometimes I wonder why I stopped managing you. It appears you've already forgotten everything I taught you. Do you realize there'll be reporters there, who are watching intensely to see your reaction to Bad Luck's performance? How exactly are you planning to sneak your friend Tatsuha-kun in the Sinister without them noticing?"  
  
"I dunno. It doesn't matter. Let them take their pictures, they'll take them anyway, whether I want it or not."   
  
There was a bitter tone in Sakuma's voice that matched the slumped form Tatsuha remembered from the recording room. Could it be that Sakuma-san was really sick and tired? Maybe he didn't want to go to the concert at all?  
  
"And you think he's okay with it, too?" K asked Ryuuichi, raising an eyebrow. "You know the stories they'll make out of it."  
  
"What?" Tatsuha raised his voice for the first time.  
  
"Okay already, I know it was stupid! I just felt like doing it, that's all," Sakuma exclaimed, not showing any sign of having heard Tatsuha.  
  
"Don't tell me, tell him," K replied, keeping his eyes on the road. "I think you owe him an explanation of what we'll be facing at Sinister."  
  
Sakuma got up on his knees and turned around on his seat so that he was facing the baffled Tatsuha.  
  
"What K means is that those pop magazine reporters always make up stuff. Since you're not famous, they'll probably take you as my childhood friend or some unknown relative..."  
  
"Or, if they're female, your secret boyfriend," K added fluently. "Those female reporters are known to have their imaginations running away with them."  
  
A faint blush creeped on Sakuma's cheeks and he shifted uncomfortably.  
  
"Yeah, or something like that. Anyway, I'll try to hush the fuss down as much as I can and see to it that you'll get inside as easily as possible. It's nothing to worry about, just ignore them if they try to ask you something."  
  
Tatsuha nodded, confused, not totally following all this. He was starting to get the feeling that this wasn't going to be so dreamy after all.  
  
"Sometimes I wish the damn magazines would leave me well enough alone," Sakuma grumbled like a displeased child, slumping back down on his seat.  
  
"He's not really childhood friend material. I think they're more likely to take him as an arm candy," K said half to himself, in English.   
  
This time Tatsuha was coherent enough to follow through his words.  
  
"A what? Aamu kandii?" he inquired in broken English, leaning forwards.  
  
"Arm candy is someone who accompanies the other to enhance that person's appearance. A decoration, if you will. Pop stars are famous for always having arm candies at hand," K dutifully explained.  
  
"Don't tease him, K. I pulled him into this," Sakuma said, frowning.  
  
"I'm merely stating the obvious," K softly replied.  
  
The car stopped. Tatsuha looked out of the shaded window. They had stopped in front of an old-looking building. There were stairs leading to the cellar, with the word SINISTER written in neon letters above the door. It was a small place, but Tatsuha could barely see the neon sign through all the people gathered in the stairway and in front of the building. He saw flashlights before he could make out any faces.   
  
K gave both him and Sakuma an assuring glance. "Okay. We're here. You get in while I go park the car. I have a band to manage, so I'll enter through the back door."  
  
"Sure, catch ya later, K!" Sakuma grinned brightly. "And thanks for the ride!"  
  
He opened the car door and stepped out. Instantly he was attacked by a group of reporters who shot questions at him.  
  
"Sakuma-san, what do you expect from Bad Luck's performance tonight?"  
  
"What are your plans concerning the teamwork with Bad Luck?"  
  
"Can you tell us what you personally think of Shindou Shuuichi?"  
  
"How do you respond to the rumors concerning you and the pop singer Hirakawa Ayami?"  
  
And so on and so on. Tatsuha watched through the glass as Ryuuichi whisked away the inquiries with a few cheerful replies, all the while fighting his way towards the door. Tatsuha wasn't sure if he should get out just yet, and looked at K helplessly.  
  
"Wait until the worst is over," K adviced, keeping his eyes on his former client.   
  
Tatsuha turned back to watch the situation through the window. He suddenly spotted Sakuma looking straight at him over the heads of the reporters. The singer made a beckoning move with his head; come on out of the car. Tatsuha braced himself and opened the car door.   
  
He was momentarily blinded by flashlight and people turned around to stare at him. He staggered on his feet and took one unsteady step towards Sinister's entrance, but was unable to get any further because men and women wearing badges with pop magazine logos in them surrounded him.   
  
"What is your name?"  
  
"Are you Sakuma Ryuuichi's friend?"  
  
"Have you any association with NG, or Bad Luck?"  
  
"Are you related to Sakuma Ryuuichi or Shindou Shuuichi?"  
  
"Ack!" He gulped, looking fervently for a way out.  
  
"Excuse me, but you look a lot like the famous writer, Yuki Eiri," a young, brown-haired woman observed. "What is your connection with him?"  
  
The mention of Yuki Eiri made several other reporters make the same question at the same time.  
  
"Is Yuki Eiri really going to write a song for Bad Luck as rumored?"  
  
"I wouldn't know!" Tatsuha exclaimed in desperation.   
  
He suddenly felt someone's hand grab his own and squeeze it assuringly. He looked left and met Sakuma's chocolate eyes, which immediately left him again.  
  
"Okay, we'd love to stay and chat, but we're running out of time here!" Sakuma announced loudly. "Thanks everyone, I bet we're all looking forward to tonight's show!"   
  
And he began to push and shove his way through the crowd, dragging Tatsuha with him like his stuffed bunny. Loud music could be heard through the door from Sinister.   
  
Right before stepping inside, Sakuma shoved one particularly nosy reporter off from between him and Tatsuha, and leaned down so that no one else could hear. "I'm sorry about all this," he apologized earnestly.  
  
K watched from his car and slowly shook his head.  
  
"He should never have taken his hand. Now the poor kid's rumor material for the magazines for weeks to come." 


	2. Track Two

+++++  
  
Track Two  
  
It was twenty minutes past midnight and Tatsuha was slowly but surely drowning.   
  
He had finally had to sit down after a couple of hours of heavy partying and was currently sitting on a bench by the wall, his muscles aching. He still wasn't sure whether all this was just another one of his weird dreams or some sort of out-of-the-body -experience.   
  
*Yeah, that would explain everything. Stuff like this doesn't happen to ME. I may be the brother of a famous writer but what does that mean? Nothing. I'm just a high school kid from Kyoto who's got this weird obsession for a band. I'm just... your typical teenage boy. I don't follow popstars to recordings. I don't discuss caf food with popstars. Popstars don't give me rides to bars.*  
  
He took another sip of the warmed-down beer and averted his gaze back to where it had kept returning for hours, like a compass needle.  
  
*I don't watch them dance to techno with sweat dripping from the tops of their noses and their shirts clinging to their skin...*  
  
Immediately, he looked away and blushed.  
  
*I don't think... stuff like that about popstars.*  
  
He took another sip and put the empty can on the bench next to him. He raked his hair off his face with both hands. It was hot in the bar, and he could feel what Sakuma had meant by "you must breathe to be able to sing." Tatsuha wished for a shower, and he wished this strange dream would be over with soon, because he couldn't take much more.  
  
"Tatsuha-kun?"  
  
Tatsuha looked up, letting his drenched hair fall back on his face. Hiro was coming over to him, with a totally plastered Shuuichi hanging from his arm.   
  
"Having fun?" Hiro shouted over the loud pumping of the music before leaning closer so that they could hear each other.  
  
"Sort of," Tatsuha said and gave him a grin. "It looks like Shuuichi is having an overdose of it."  
  
"You don't say," Hiro muttered.   
  
Shuuichi started drunkenly protesting that he didn't want to leave before Yuki showed up.  
  
"No, we're NOT going to wait for him, Shuuichi," Hiro retorted. "You have to get home before you try to glomp another blond stranger."  
  
"Had a Yuki shirt," Shuuichi mumbled.   
  
Tatsuha could only laugh.  
  
"But of course, a Yuki shirt. That explains everything, doesn't it?" Hiro sighed and rolled his eyes. He turned Shuuichi around towards the door. "Home you go, buster! See you around, Tatsuha-kun, and thanks a lot for the help!"  
  
"No biggie," Tatsuha said, smiling a tired smile. He waved the two goodbye.   
  
It was not until after Hiro and Shuuichi had disappeared into the mass of dancing people when it dawned to Tatsuha that he should go with them, since Shuuichi had the only key. Tatsuha didn't want to wake him or Eiri up when he came home later. He got up and gathered his belongings. Perhaps he could still catch up with them; Shuuichi hadn't exactly looked like he would start sprinting any second. Tatsuha smiled as he tied his loyal leather jacket around his hips. Now the jacket would prove necessary. He was soaked with sweat and it was a cool night out.  
  
Tatsuha paused. He couldn't leave without seeing Sakuma for one last time. After all, he had got a lift from him... and, truth to be told, he wanted to check if Sakuma was okay, having cold and all.  
  
*Great. So now I'm his doctor,* he thought darkly. *Where do I get off acting like a-- *  
  
Someone poked him in the ribs. He jumped and span around to meet an exhausted but positively bouncy Sakuma Ryuuichi.  
  
"Hiii! How're ya doin'?"  
  
"Fine!" Tatsuha practically yelped, then coughed and started again in a more stable voice, "I was actually looking for you. I'm leaving, you gonna stay long?"  
  
Ryuuichi's eyes were dreamy and a little unfocused. It might've been because he was slightly drunk. "I know I shouldn't. I'm all out of meds and the fever'll kick back sooner or later." He nodded towards the bar. "Hey, you want something to drink before you go? C'mon, it's my treat."  
  
Tatsuha frowned, but couldn't resist the temptation and followed Ryuuichi, who hopped over to the bar and perched himself on a stool. "Sure, thanks. But y'know, maybe you should take it easy. You're sick after all, Sakuma-san."  
  
Sakuma didn't answer him. He ordered something that had an English name from the barkeep who smiled as if he had known Ryuuichi was going to order it. The barkeep whipped out the two drinks amazingly fast, and Ryuuichi handed Tatsuha a blue drink which had an artificially red cherry and some pink-coloured whipped cream in it. Tatsuha looked at the drink in his hand somewhat suspiciously. It didn't look real. Carefully, he took a sip and found the taste to be close to berry candy, only with a sharp tinge of alcohol behind it.  
  
Ryuuichi hungrily gulped down his drink, and then started carefully wiping out all the whipped cream from his face, his brows knitting adorably in deep concentration. He looked so cute and childish with his fingers and face smeared with whipped cream. The tip of his tongue peeked out to lick his lips and fingertips. Tatsuha had to quickly look away to avoid glomping him right then and there.  
  
"S-Sakuma-san, did you hear what I-- "  
  
"Oh, would you stop it?" Sakuma gave him an exasparated look.   
  
"Sorry, I know it's none of my business," Tatsuha muttered, embarrassed.  
  
"No, I mean stop calling me that. It's enough that I must keep reminding Shuu-chan all the time. My name's Ryuuichi, okay? Ryuuichi!" His face broke into a wide, playful grin.  
  
"I couldn't..." slipped out of Tatsuha's mouth before he realised it was true. "I couldn't call you that, sorry. After all, you're, well, you're-- "  
  
*The only god I've ever really worshipped, the face from my dreams, the alluring object of my goddamn twisted obsession...*  
  
He swallowed hard and wondered why the stupid dream didn't end before he made a complete ass out of himself. They were both silent for a while, not facing each other.  
  
Tatsuha mentally kicked himself to get up, finish the drink and leave before getting into trouble. And waking his brother up in the middle of the night was considered big, bigger, Godzilla-sized trouble. How late was it anyway? Tatsuha nervously checked his watch, which showed that the exact time was 01:03.   
  
He abruptly got on his feet. "It's getting late, I better go now."  
  
"Finish your sentence first," Sakuma said quietly.  
  
"What?" Tatsuha blurted out.  
  
Sakuma put his empty glass on the table and sighed. "Why can't you call me Ryuuichi? Because I'm famous? Shuuichi is famous too, you know, although maybe not on the same scale - and you call him Shuuichi, don't you?"  
  
"He's my brother's boyfriend, I guess that... has something to do with..." Tatsuha mumbled. He couldn't quite fathom what Sakuma wanted him to say.  
  
Sakuma gave him a quick glance and suddenly a sweet smile returned to his face.  
  
"Aw, I'm sorry. You don't have to explain. If you don't want to be that familiar then you don't have to be. It's a free and a wonderful world." He giggled and hopped down from his barstool, stretching his arms. "Okay, I think that about wraps it up for tonight. I have an interview tomorrow morning."  
  
"It's not that I don't *want* to call you by your first name," Tatsuha tried to explain. "It's just that... well, maybe I'm..."  
  
"Hey, I told you, it's all good!" Sakuma laughed, grabbing his hand. "C'mon, you gotta make sure I get out of here safely... what with my horrible, terrible sickness and all." He winked, teasingly.  
  
"Right..." Tatsuha looked at him a bit helplessly. He wanted so much to be honest with the other, but just couldn't. Perhaps he shouldn't, neither. Like Sakuma had said, he didn't have to explain. Even if the explanation was so crystal clear to him.  
  
*How can you familiarize yourself with someone you've always put so high above everyone else? It's like calling down the moon. The moon I've wished to touch for so long... And now I almost wish my wishes would never come true again. They're not meant to, anyway. Screws with your head.*  
  
+  
  
They walked out under the neon-light. It was dark and cool, and Tatsuha put his jacket on. He followed Ryuuichi as he went over to stop a taxi. The first two taxis hurried past, already occupied. The next one didn't seem willing to appear at all. Tatsuha eyed worriedly the way Ryuuichi hugged himself, trying to fight off the cold, his bare arms all in goosebumps.  
  
"Where do you live?" Ryuuichi asked, turning to look at him.  
  
"Me? In Kyoto."  
  
Ryuuichi laughed. "Yeah, I can tell 'cause you speak funny. But that's not what I meant; you must've some place to stay the night here in Tokyo, right?"  
  
Tatsuha could feel himself blush again. Where was his brain? "Uh, right, of course. I'm staying with my brother who lives here. Y'know, Yuki Eiri."  
  
"Oh, that writer, you mean? I thought all writers are loners."  
  
Tatsuha snickered. "Eiri's no exception. But since he's letting Shuuichi to live there with him, I think I'm a pretty easy extra."  
  
Sakuma laughed, but then he started coughing raggedly.   
  
Tatsuha went over to him. "Hey, that sounds pretty bad."  
  
"Oh, it's - it's okay. Nothing that'd shut me up." Sakuma continued laughing after catching his breath once again.  
  
"It must be hard for a singer to have a cough," Tatsuha mused aloud.  
  
Sakuma nodded. "It is. Without my voice, I could never be happy. Not even for a minute! That's why I always try to avoid colds and numb myself with drugs if that's the only way I can keep my voice. Otherwise I don't care much for them."   
  
He was smiling faintly, his eyes reflecting the night-time lights of the city. Tatsuha watched him in silent adoration.  
  
After a while, Sakuma went over to try and stop a taxi again. This time he was lucky. The car slowed down and stopped in front of him.  
  
"Yes! I was already getting cold!" Sakuma exclaimed, then made a beckoning move with his hand. "Come on, Tatsuha! I'll drop you to your brother's house."  
  
Tatsuha didn't have to be told twice. He jumped on the backseat of the car and was surprised when Sakuma followed him.   
  
"Okay, all set! Now where was your brother's place again?"  
  
Tatsuha told him the address, and Sakuma cheerfully asked the driver to take them there.   
  
Sakuma blew into his hands. "Brr, it's cold! And it was such a hot day! I should've taken a coat or something."  
  
"It feels so cold because we just came from the sweaty bar," Tatsuha said tiredly, leaning backwards on the seat.   
  
The night-time Tokyo swam by. His body felt oddly weak, and he just then realised that he hadn't eaten practically anything the whole day. Not that he had had time to think of such mundane matters after Sakuma Ryuuichi took his hand for the first time and pulled him - into what?  
  
"Tatsuha-kun? Or is it okay that I call you that?"  
  
That innocent, sweet tone. Tatsuha could've just sat there, watching the many aspects of Sakuma Ryuuichi unfold themselves in front of him.  
  
"Why not?" he said, shrugging. Sakuma could call him Hanako the Flower Girl and he'd be happy that Sakuma called him by some name in the first place.  
  
"Since you don't want to call me by my first name, it feels kinda weird to call YOU by it, doncha think?" Sakuma cocked his head.  
  
"I told you, it's not a matter of wanting," Tatsuha muttered. "You're a - you're a -"  
  
"Popstar?"  
  
"More than that, you're - "  
  
"Your favourite singer?"  
  
"More than that..." Tatsuha shook his head, his voice hardly even a whisper. He could suddenly feel tension in the air.  
  
"What, god?" Sakuma laughed, but not happily.   
  
*He knows it's true,* Tatsuha thought. *Fuck, he knows, he knows exactly what I'm thinking... Why can't I keep my stupid desperate fanboy mouth shut!*  
  
Sakuma's eyes left him and he looked out of the window. "I kinda thought it was something like that," Tatsuha heard him say, his voice frighteningly low. Was it anger, or disdain, or perhaps - disappointment? Tatsuha couldn't tell. He didn't dare to glance up to see Sakuma's face to find out.   
  
They sat in uncomfortable silence for the rest of the drive.  
  
+  
  
"Here we are, sir," the driver said, bringing them both back to reality.   
  
Tatsuha began nervously searching for his wallet. "How much is it?"  
  
"Let it be, I'll take care of it," Sakuma said, his voice still low. Half of his face was hidden behind the dark blue cap.   
  
Tatsuha nodded nervously and muttered a quick 'thank you', then scrambled out of the car. All the lights were turned off and he suspected all hell would be loose as soon as he ringed the doorbell.   
  
He glanced back at Sakuma, not knowing why the singer seemed so hurt but feeling guilty all the same. They watched each other through the window for a few eyeblinks, then Tatsuha mumbled a hasty 'bye' and walked off.   
  
Sakuma lowered the glass and leaned out of the car, calling, "Uesugi-san!"  
  
Tatsuha tried his best to appear as if the changed tone hadn't affected him in any way. "Y-yes?" He turned and walked back to the car.  
  
Sakuma looked at him with an unnamed sorrow in his warm brown eyes, and that alone made Tatsuha melt. "Hey, let's not end the day like this," the singer said softly, "I'd feel bad if I let you leave offended."  
  
"N-no, not at all, it's okay," Tatsuha stammered, puzzled.  
  
Sakuma looked satisfied. "Okay then. Thanks for hanging out with me; I had bunches of fun! See ya later!"  
  
"See you..." Tatsuha echoed. He had absolutely no idea what Sakuma was talking about, or why he had looked so sad, but didn't know how to ask.   
  
Sakuma offered him his hand, a smile creeping to his face once again. It never was too far away. Tatsuha stared at the offered hand, blinking.  
  
"You're supposed to shake it," Sakuma said, laughing, as Tatsuha turned red and quickly shook his hand. "Sorry, I think America left me with that habit. I find it much more fun than bowing. It's more personal, y'know?"  
  
"Uh huh," Tatsuha said lamely. That was the fourth time Sakuma had touched his hand, and this was something he had to revel in for a moment.  
  
"Well, good night! Say hi to Shuuichi for me; tell him I loved their last song, it was awesome!" Sakuma started closing the car window once again, but then stopped half-way. "Oh, and Uesug--"  
  
"You can call me Tatsuha!" Tatsuha blurted out.   
  
Sakuma smiled mysteriously through the glass. "Right. Tatsuha. Remember to check your pockets. All sorts of people go to bars like that."   
  
Then his eyes crinked up cutely and he waved goodbye, and soon the car had slipped among the mass of flickering lights of the Tokyo city, leaving Tatsuha to slowly awaken from the most amazing dream he had ever had.  
  
+  
  
"As if it isn't enough that you come crashing here out of the blue! What the hell do you think this is, a roadside motel?" Eiri snapped at his brother, pacing the floor irritatedly.  
  
"Yeah, sorry about that," Tatsuha said for the third time, picking his nose. "Did Shuuichi get back home safely, by the way?"  
  
"Don't change the subject!" Eiri pointed an accusing finger at him. "Wake me up in the middle of the night again and you'll fly out like a bad habit, understood?"  
  
"Yes, Mom," Tatsuha quipped wrily.  
  
Eiri's eyes narrowed. "Perhaps you have an overpowering urge to spend the rest of the night outside the gate?"  
  
Tatsuha took his backpack and threw it into the corner of the living room he had called his own. "Chill out, bro. I'm exhausted."  
  
"So am I," Eiri said icily and stomped out of the room.   
  
Tatsuha jumped when the bedroom door was slammed shut.   
  
*Ouch. Well, that's my brother for you, what did I expect?*  
  
He yawned as he stripped off his worn jeans and t-shirt.   
  
*I've just spent an entire day with Sakuma Ryuuichi.*  
  
Tatsuha paused as he rolled open his sleeping bag, letting the thought mellow in his brain a little while.  
  
*I, Uesugi Tatsuha, just spent a day with the singer of Nittle Grasper, Sakuma Ryuuichi.*  
  
He sighed and lay down, staring unbelievingly at the ceiling. He couldn't help the smug smile creeping to his face. How many times had he dreamt that something like this would happen? That he would just bump into Sakuma and they'd spend the day together and he'd get to ride with him in his fancy car and... Exactly what he had experienced today.   
  
Dreams didn't end this way, though, Tatsuha realised, knitting his brows. Everything that had happened had been fantastic, and Tatsuha couldn't possibly hope for more. Not in this life. He'd already got enough to last for a couple of human lifetimes. Sakuma Ryuuichi had taken his hand, thrice, and given him a ride, twice. More than enough... everything else was just a dream.   
  
Tatsuha blushed furiously and crawled inside the sleeping bag. All his dreams ended differently, with Sakuma taking him to the hotel with him... and...  
  
*Oh, hell... fucking hell, I know it's stupid. Just a stupid fantasy... but doesn't everybody have those? Isn't it just normal to want someone who you think is awesome? Or is it just me? I wish someone would tell me...*  
  
He rolled on one side, eyes glistening, and listened to the silence of his brother's apartment, thinking back...  
  
[flashback]  
  
"HEY! This's NOT funny! Give it back right now, you stupid bastard!"  
  
Tatsuha stopped punching his brother's back as it seemed to amount to nothing and tackled him to the floor, desperately fighting to get his hands on the worn scrapbook Eiri was skillfully keeping out of his reach.  
  
"No way, you're not getting it! Now get off me! Off me, you goddamned brat - OUCH! What're you doing?!"  
  
Tatsuha had punched him so hard that his nose started bleeding. That didn't stop the enraged 14-year-old, however. "Give it back!" he demanded, almost growling, and aimed the next hit.  
  
"Tacchan, stop it!" called his sister's snappy voice. Tatsuha turned his head to see Mika running towards them with a strict look on her face.  
  
"Boys, what's going on in there?" their father asked from his study.  
  
"Eiri took my scrapbook! Tell him to give it back!" Tatsuha shouted as Mika kneeled down next to her brothers.  
  
"It's not normal, I'm telling you!" Eiri exclaimed, pushing his little brother off him. He got up, wiping the blood off his face. "He's got six books full of pictures of Nittle Grasper! Isn't it enough that you have to cover the walls with them?"  
  
"Eiri, give the book back to him," Mika said in her authoritive voice that everyone in the house knew meant business. "And you, Tacchan, are going to explain. Why did you do that to your brother? Look what you did, his nose is bleeding!"  
  
Tatsuha kicked the nearby wall in teenage frustration. "So what! I jus' don't want nobody touchin' my fuckin' stuff!"  
  
"Language!"  
  
"I called him THREE TIMES and he didn't hear anything!" Eiri told his sister. "Three times, and he just stared at that stupid book! Look, there's nothing but pictures of that Sakuma guy in it!" He opened the book and presented it to Mika, who sighed irritatedly.  
  
"Give it back!" Tatsuha demanded again.  
  
"Maybe you should lay off that band stuff a little, Tacchan," Mika suggested, handing him his book, which he immediately clutched protectively to his chest.  
  
"Get a girlfriend!" Eiri suggested mockingly over Tatsuha's shoulder, walking away.  
  
"Fuck off, Eiri!" Tatsuha fumed.  
  
"Tacchan! Uesugi Tatsuha, stop it! He's just trying to help you." Mika put his hands on Tatsuha's shoulders. "Your brother might not always sound like it, but he only wants your best."  
  
"Yeah, right," Tatsuha grumbled, still clutching the scrapbook.   
  
Mika leaned down to smile at him. "Maybe he's got a point. You know, Sachiko's little sister, you remember her, she was that short-haired girl who came by yesterday with Sachiko, she seemed to have taken a real liking to you..."  
  
Tatsuha turned red in the face and screeched, "What're ya all after me for?! Let me be!"  
  
"Mika, you might as well give up," Eiri's voice came from the kitchen, "Tatsuha's not *like that*."  
  
Mika frowned. "What?"   
  
"Hey, Tatsuha! When are you gonna MARRY that Sakuma guy of yours?"  
  
"I hate you! I hate you both!" Tatsuha yelled at the top of his lungs and ran to his room, slamming the door shut so hard that the whole apartment shook.  
  
[end flashback]  
  
Tatsuha turned onto his stomach, still frowning.  
  
*I know Eiri didn't mean anything by that... yeah, right, as if HE would be in any place to judge me, living with Shuuichi like this...* He let out a small laugh. *And things were a bit different back then. He wasn't Yuki... and I don't think I was Tatsuha yet. Who could've known things would turn out like this? I sure as hell didn't. I mean, even the *thought* of my brother being gay... it's still so hard to believe! Not that I have anything against it, but after teasing me about my obsession for Sakuma for years, it just feels weird, I guess.*  
  
Tatsuha sighed under his breath. *And it WAS just teasing, right? ...I'm not gay, I like girls. Girls are cute. Just because I've never had a girlfriend doesn't mean I don't want one.*  
  
*But Sakuma... he's *special*. He's always been special to me.*   
  
*I know it's weird, and I probably have some issues or something... But is it my fault he's got such a divine singing voice and sparkling personality and cool hair and captivating eyes? It should be illegal to be so cute and sexy at the same time. A creature so perfect was MADE to be worshipped and longed for by everyone.*  
  
Satisfied with his process of thought, Tatsuha reached out to fish his Discman from the backpack. Nittle Grasper's third CD was his favourite; fast beats mingling with soft, dreamy ballads. He clicked the Play button and snuggled inside his sleeping bag, allowing the music to lull him to sleep and the voice of Sakuma Ryuuichi to invade his dreams. It was a ritual he had practiced for years and found near impossible to fall asleep without. 


	3. Track Three

+++++  
  
Track Three  
  
Ryuuichi hated Japanese hotel room towels. They were coarse and much too small. In America he had become accustomated to big, fluffy towels that could easily be used as blankets. It was sheer heaven to wrap himself into one of those after a long shower or a bath. For now, though, it seemed that he just had to manage with the Japanese.   
  
Ryuuichi gave his hair one last scrub and then rinsed the shampoo off, pausing in his singing when the water ran down his face. Even if his voice was hoarse and especially high notes hurt like hell, he wouldn't give up his habit of singing the latest j-rock hits in the shower.   
  
He turned the shower off and stepped out of the spacious bathroom, skipping the bath this time. Someone had once told him that you shouldn't take a bath when you have the flu, and Ryuuichi wouldn't risk it. He didn't feel like lying in the hot water like an udon noodle, anyway.  
  
He reached out to grab the uncomfortable towel while meeting his own eyes in the mirror on the opposite wall. He looked like hell. Ryuuichi rubbed his hair dry briskily and then wrapped the towel around his waist. He went back to his big hotel room bed and slumped down on his back, cuddling Kumagorou which had patiently waited for him to shower, extremely relieved to lie down and rest again.  
  
*Aauuhh. Feel awful... where the hell is that thermometer?*  
  
He clicked the tv on without even glancing at it and reached out to the nightstand by the bed. He found his mobile phone and the thermometer he had been looking for. The time on his mobile display said 9:07 AM, which gave him exactly fifty-three minutes to get up, get dressed and prepare for the interview to a teen magazine, and somehow heal from the bad cold in the process.   
  
He slipped the thermometer under his arm and called K, his one and only connection with the interviewer.  
  
"This has better be the announcement that you're up and about and ready for the interview," K answered. "It's a hell of a mess in here. Tell me you're not hung over."  
  
Ryuuichi rubbed his eyes wearily and then closed them altogether. Too bright. He fumbled for the remote and switched off the lights. "What? What mess?"  
  
K's tone changed. "You sound awful. Better grab an aspirin and head over here, I'll explain it to you once we're all set-- "  
  
"No," Ryuuichi protested, "I appreciate your help and also that you arranged this interview, but listen, I'm really not feeling well right now. I have a temperature of - hang on, I'll check-- "  
  
"Ryuuichi, this is no longer about the Hirakawa Ayami rumor. You might want to comment on their latest invention."  
  
Ryuuichi sighed, not really wanting to know. "What's that?" That he only ate lettuce? That he wore women's underwear?  
  
"What did I tell you? It was female reporters' dream come true when you arrived at the concert with that Uesugi guy. They turned it into a modern day fairy story: a famous pop singer, dating an ordinary boy next door..."  
  
Ryuuichi bit his lower lip and held his breath, feeling his heart suddenly starting to pump ice water instead of blood. "No way. Tell me you're kidding."   
  
He knew K was *never* kidding when it came to work.  
  
"I'm dead serious. I just had my own interview with the same reporter, and she asked me some pretty daring questions."  
  
"I guess it can't be helped, then," Ryuuichi said under his breath.   
  
Why did it feel like the little energy he had had just been drained from him? It felt impossible to even sit up, let alone brave the nosy interviewer.  
  
"I'll tell them you'll be here in twenty minutes," K said and ended the conversation.  
  
+  
  
After fifteen minutes, Ryuuichi was standing in front of the tall hotel building, waiting for the taxi he had called to arrive. He was shivering slightly, but perhaps nobody would notice. It was a beautiful day, however, and he tried to find the lighter side to the situation as he put on his sunglasses and stepped onto the street.  
  
*It's only a matter of an hour or two. After that I can return to the hotel room and sleep for a week. Nothing urgent on the schedule for at least half a month.*  
  
He ran a hand through his shower-fresh hair and sighed. *I can only blame myself for this situation. It was definitely the worst time to get funny ideas. How could I not see it? After everything they've already made up of me... Aw, I feel so useless! Can't I even go out once and have fun without someone getting hurt?*  
  
Ryuuichi checked the time again. He would be late soon. Where was the damn taxi?   
  
He raised Kumagorou up and rubbed noses with it. "Hey, do you think I'm a bad person?"  
  
"Of course not! You're my best friend in the whole world!" the bunny immediately replied and promptly hugged him.  
  
"But I mean towards other people..."   
  
Ryuuichi retreated back into shade and leaned against the wall so that he could converse with Kumagorou in peace. People looked at him funny when he talked with the bunny and he didn't want that right now.   
  
Kumagorou thinked for a while before slowly answering, "I think Ryuu-chan isn't bad on purpose."  
  
Ryuuichi smiled sadly and petted the bunny's ears. "Really? I think I was not being very nice at Tatsuha-kun last night. Bad Ryuu-chan! I should've thought of what I did. Now he's pulled into all this mess and it's my fault. You know, I just can't help feeling that something was left hanging in the air, something that maybe I should've finished... or at least done something about..."   
  
He turned his eyes skywards, his voice trailing away. Kumagorou rested comfortingly against his chest, but Ryuuichi felt that for the first time, it didn't understand him.  
  
After a moment of thoughtless daydreaming, Ryuuichi heard a car stop nearby and turned around to see that his taxi had arrived.  
  
"Ryuu-chan, hurry up!" Kumagorou exclaimed, "The taxi is here!"  
  
Ryuuichi nodded and stepped back into the sunlight. "Yeah. We'd better go, right?"   
  
On the way to the trendy cafe where the interview was to take place, he took two pills, one painkiller and one to lower his temperature. He prayed it would be enough to keep him up and moderately healthy-looking through the interview.   
  
+  
  
Tatsuha woke up to the smell of coffee. He opened one eye just in time to see Shuuichi hopping past in baggy pants and a sleeveless shirt. He stared at the floor for a little while, to assure his brain that this was indeed the reality. His dream lingered at the corner of his mind. He had the headphones on and the CD was still playing, which made it feel even more dream-like. Sakuma Ryuuichi's soft voice crooned in his ear about lost love and falling raindrops. Although Tatsuha for some reason couldn't remember his dream, it wasn't hard to guess what kind of a dream it had been, especially since he found curious white goo splashed over his thighs.   
  
*Oh, great. Not another one of those... I swear, do I have some sort of fetish for Namida to Ame or what? Well, I blame those pleading sounds Ryuuichi makes at the end of the song for everything...*  
  
Blushing and thanking whatever god might be listening for the sleeping bag, he reached out sleepily for his backpack, hoping no one would notice he was awake for a moment yet. He needed a minute to collect himself.   
  
He pressed the Stop button on the discman and the sounds of the real world returned. He heard Shuuichi try to charm out his brother in the kitchen.   
  
"Now can I wake him? Please? Please?"   
  
"Let him be and sit still for a minute," Eiri muttered.  
  
"How can you be so, so CALM AND COLLECTED?" Shuuichi almost screeched in disbelief.  
  
Tatsuha pulled on a clean pair of briefs and jumped in his jeans as he crawled out of the sleeping bag. He didn't button the jeans up, since he was planning to head to the shower as soon as possible.  
  
"I'm awake," he called out to Shuuichi.   
  
In one second, Shuuichi was yelling at his face, "WELLFINALLY! WAITTILYOUSEEWHATYUKIFOUNDATTHECONVENIENCESTORETHISMORNING!!"  
  
"Hey, hey! Time out! Slow down, dammit, I only just woke up!" Tatsuha said and yawned, scratching his messy coal-black hair.  
  
"But you really gotta see it!" Shuuichi stressed, following him as he walked lazily to the kitchen.  
  
"See what?" Tatsuha grinned tiredly at some random part of his dream which popped into his head. Tired and hungry was not a good combination. It made him think pervy thoughts.  
  
Eiri was just leaving the room with his standard cup of cappuccino when Shuuichi and Tatsuha came to the kitchen. He was already fully dressed and his glasses hung from the collar of his shirt.  
  
"It's on the table," he said, making Tatsuha even more confused. "Please don't even bother trying to explain it to me."  
  
Tatsuha practically flew into the kitchen and to the table. He looked around and blinked in confusion. "What? I can't see anything but some bagels and the morning papers."  
  
Shuuichi shoved the magazine from the top of the mail pile under his nose. "Yuki found it this morning when he went over to the convenience store to buy the paper. Look at the lower right corner!"  
  
Tatsuha did as told. All colour fled his face and he almost ripped the magazine into shreds. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!"  
  
It was a small picture, and not even a good one since it was badly overexposured, but he recognised his own face when he saw it. Under it there was a provocative text "NITTLE GRASPER SINGER SAKUMA RYUUICHI DENIES ANY ROMANTIC INTEREST IN HIS WORK ASSOCIATE HIRAKAWA AYAMI! IS THIS THE REASON?!".  
  
"There must be some mistake," Tatsuha blurted out instinctively.   
  
Shuuichi attacked the coffee machine. "So that IS you? That's really you there in the picture with Sakuma-san? I was sure it was someone else, but Yuki insisted that it was you!"  
  
Tatsuha slowly slumped down on the chair, still staring at the cover of the magazine. And he had been *sure* the dream was over...   
  
He noted a page number at the corner of the picture and quickly looked it up. The article wasn't big, only one and a half pages, but half of it consisted of a photo of Sakuma Ryuuichi taking him by the hand. The singer was smiling cheerfully as always and pushing some reporter out of his way. Tatsuha himself looked like a lost puppy in the middle of the curious reporters. As he stared at the picture in mortification, Tatsuha recalled the moment startlingly clearly; he could remember how Sakuma's hand felt around his own and what the people around them had been inquiring. It had been such an enchanted moment, and now here it was, printed on a paper with ridiculous sidenotes, where *anyone could see it...*  
  
"Isn't it cool?" Shuuichi beamed at him from the other side of the table.  
  
"COOL?!" Tatsuha couldn't believe his ears. "It's not true! They made this whole thing up! Oh god, just as he told me they would..." He ran his hands through his hair in desperation.  
  
"Who? Sakuma-san? Did you really get to drive in his car?" Shuuichi inquired.  
  
"Go ahead and ask me something else, will you?! Hell, you're almost as bad as the stupid bitch who wrote this crap!" Tatsuha ranted, smoke almost rising from his ears.   
  
He checked the name of the reporter from the bottom of the page: Ikai Natsue. Tatsuha started planning her bloody death, but then slumped down on the table, hitting his forehead against it and covering his head with his hands.  
  
*Would someone please just kill me right at this very instant...*  
  
"I still think it's kinda cool," Shuuichi insisted. "I mean, it's *Sakuma-san*, right? Won't your friends be jealous when they hear you got into a picture with him!"  
  
"Don't remind me! You think I want everyone in my school to think I'm some kinda - *pet boy* of pop stars?!" Tatsuha wailed, not raising his head. "You wouldn't believe the amount of shit I get for being Ryuuichi's fan! They all used to call me fag before, what do you think they'll make out of THIS?" He paused and raised his head. "Sorry, I didn't mean that-- "  
  
"But you like Sakuma-san a lot, don't you?" Shuuichi smiled widely.  
  
"Don't you start." Tatsuha bit his lip and turned as red as a tomato. "And what does it matter anyway?"  
  
Shuuichi shrugged carelessly. "Maybe nothing, I dunno. But *you're* the one who told me it doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman when I was worried that Yuki might not like me after all since I'm a guy."  
  
"Yeah? Hm... maybe I did, at that." Tatsuha smiled and looked at Shuuichi, then ruffled his hair. "I said that 'cause I like you better than any of those girls that have fallen swooning at Eiri's feet. You've made him alive again. That's real good."  
  
Shuuichi smiled brightly back at him. "So don't stress, Tatsuha-kun! The press'll forget this whole shebang soon enough! In the meantime, you wanna come with us to the studio again? Who knows, K might bring Sakuma-san with h-- "  
  
"NO!" Tatsuha yelled, his features darkening again. He jumped up and hit his fist on the table. "You out of your fuckin' MIND? How could I ever face him after something like this? And he'll probably be pissed, since I - since they-- "  
  
Shuuichi put his coffee cup down and threw his bag over one shoulder, leaving the table. "Really, I thought you'd be glad, Tatsuha-kun."  
  
"It's not true," Tatsuha murmured. "It's all a big lie. The truth is... I've only caused him extra trouble, after all that he did for me. He made my dream come true, and I... Ah, it doesn't matter! I hope he'll forget about it soon!"  
  
"But Sakuma-san is so cool!" Shuuichi exclaimed. "I know he's not angry with you! He's always so nice to others. Once when I was down he gave me this yo-yo, see?" Shuuichi fished the object from his pocket and presented it to Tatsuha. "I'm keeping it in my pocket as a lucky charm!" He winked.  
  
Only a week ago, Tatsuha would have thrown himself at the wooden yo-yo and begged for Shuuichi to let him touch it, but now anything that reminded him of Sakuma Ryuuichi made him feel awful.   
  
He held his head. "I think I need a shower".  
  
In order to get to the bathroom, he had to walk past his brother's study. The door was wide open and Tatsuha could hear Eiri's typing all the way to the corridor.  
  
*I wonder what he thought when he saw that article? Thank god he's not likely to call Dad about it...*  
  
Tatsuha stopped at the doorway. "Uh, Eiri?"   
  
"I said, don't give me your explanations," Eiri replied without pausing in his typing.  
  
"I know, and I won't! I just - what do you-- " Tatsuha stammered.  
  
"Think about it? Isn't that your own business? That's what you've kept telling me."  
  
"But do you think it was true? That I'm... like that? That Ryuuichi is?"  
  
Eiri glanced at him over the screen of his laptop. "You seem to have a god-awful problem with this whole gay thing, don't you."  
  
Tatsuha frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"   
  
Eiri turned his eyes back to his work. "That you're making this a bigger problem than it really is. I think it's not that big a deal. That's what I think. Now if you're satisfied, get lost and let me work."  
  
This gave Tatsuha lots to think while he showered. Mika's voice from three years ago echoed in his mind: *Your brother might not always sound like it, but he only wants your best...*  
  
Tatsuha laughed and shook the water off his choppy black hair. *I hate to admit it, but she might have a point. And Eiri, too - I'm making this a bigger problem than it really is. It's good three weeks before school starts, everyone will forget all about it by then. And as for Ryuuichi... well, he'll probably forget it even sooner. He's got a lot more important things to take care of, now that he's back in business with Nittle Grasper.*  
  
  
  
*That's right... everything will be fine. Everything will return to normal.*  
  
+  
  
Tatsuha dressed in his jeans again, not bothering to get a shirt since it was a hot day and he didn't plan on leaving the house that day. Better to keep a low profile. He wanted to believe that the article would just vanish if he refused to believe in it.   
  
Tatsuha returned to the living-room and sat down on his still open sleeping bag.  
  
*Now to find something to occupy myself with... But first, where did I put that Discman?*  
  
He rummaged around in his corner of the room and finally found the Discman under his makeshift pillow.  
  
*Okay, now I'll just listen to Nittle Grasper and read that new manga I bought at the train station. After all, isn't this a holiday? I should be relaxing... Oh, right, it would be nice to have something to drink.*  
  
He got up and padded to the kitchen. After checking the fridge he sighed. Nothing but beer, and it was even that yucky foreign stuff which his brother drank all the time. How could Eiri keep guzzling that stuff? Tatsuha closed the fridge door and decided to grab a few bottles of coke from the vending machine at the corner.  
  
He returned to the living-room, pulled on a clean t-shirt and picked up his leather jacket from where he had thrown it last night.  
  
*Now let's see. I should have at least a few thousand yen to spare... I just can't remember how much I spent in that bar. Most likely not much, since Sakuma paid for everything.*  
  
He went through his pockets and found the wallet from the last one. As he pulled it out, a piece of paper fell onto the floor.  
  
*What's that?*  
  
Tatsuha crouched down to pick the paper up. It was a small sheet of note paper with the logo of Hotel Grandvia in it. He turned it around and found a hasty message written in wobbly hiragana, as if a child had written it. His eyes grew big as he read the words.  
  
*If "Ryuuichi" will do, give me a call!*  
  
And under the text, a mobile phone number...  
  
A memory flashed through his mind and he gasped. Just before he drove off, Sakuma had said...   
  
*Tatsuha. Remember to check your pockets. All sorts of people go to bars like that.*  
  
*He slipped me that note?*  
  
Tatsuha stared at the piece of paper, then fell right on his ass on the floor.   
  
*He gave me his personal mobile number?* His heart was beating wildly.   
  
*It wasn't true,* he found himself thinking, in a sudden whirlwind of emotions. *It wasn't true what I said. It is not over and done with. It won't be just fine.*  
  
He looked at the text again, reading it slowly aloud. "If 'Ryuuichi' will do..."  
  
*And it won't ever return to normal again...* 


	4. Track Four

+++++  
  
Track Four  
  
Ryuuichi woke up under two big blankets, Kumagorou under his arm. He had just slept for hours, and felt tons better.  
  
*Unh... I wonder what time it is? Seven thirty... is it evening or morning?*  
  
He yawned and stretched his arms, sitting up on the bed. The sheets felt sweaty.  
  
*My fever must've come down, and pretty quickly, at that!*  
  
A quick glance out of the window told him that it was early morning and the sun was shining through the drawn curtains. He had slept almost twenty hours!  
  
"Guess what, Kumagorou?" he asked the pink bunny, beaming happily, "I'm starving! It must be a sign that I'm getting well, right?"  
  
"Maybe we could order a pizza," Kumagorou suggested.  
  
"Good idea!" Ryuuichi hopped onto his feet and stretched his whole body. "All righty! Ryuu-chan is back in action - whoa..."   
  
He suddenly lost the ground and had to fall back down on the bed again. His head was spinning.   
  
"I guess maybe I shouldn't jump around like that after lying down for so long!" he laughed, enormously happy to be back on his feet. "Kumagorou, do you remember where I put my mobile?"  
  
His mobile phone informed him that he had received one call and one text message. The call had been from K - most likely a check to see if he was all right - but the text message had come from an unknown sender. Ryuuichi opened the message curiously.  
  
*Are you mad at me? -T.*  
  
Ryuuichi frowned. He wasn't mad at anyone! What was that supposed to--   
  
Then it suddenly dawned to him. Only a few people knew his mobile number. And "T" was almost too easy to guess.  
  
He quickly sent a short reply, *No, call me*. Then he just stared at the mobile display for a few minutes, waiting to see if he received a reply. But the mobile remained silent.  
  
*Of course, it IS only seven AM. I better order that pizza... ugh, and put on some clothes that aren't soaked in sweat...*  
  
Ryuuichi showered and put on a pair of his favourite corduroys and a worn t-shirt. Then he attacked the delivered pizza as if he hadn't eaten in weeks. Feeling snug and his stomach full, he lay down on the unmade bed and wiggled his toes.  
  
"Nothing like a good meal to kick off the free day, ne Kumagorou?"  
  
+  
  
Ryuuichi didn't do much during the first part of the day. Although he still had a bad cough, he stopped by the studio to tell Shuuichi how absolutely fantastic their live performance had been. Then he also visited Seguchi Touma (while he was in the same building anyway) and after that, went for a stroll down the river. It was about three PM and the streets were full of people. Ryuuichi liked observing people's faces. It fascinated him that each of these thousands people had a different life. So many stories, all in an eyeblink...   
  
He stopped to buy an ice-cream cone and then climbed to sit on the railing to eat it. It was a perfect day to be out strolling through Tokyo.  
  
Just then his mobile made a beeping sound and he fished it from his pocket. New message? He clicked it open.  
  
*Let's meet somewhere. -T.*  
  
*Okay, where?* Ryuuichi sent an enthusiastic reply. The only thing that had been missing was company.   
  
He got the reply immediately and checked it.   
  
*Look behind you*, it said.  
  
Ryuuichi whirled around, almost falling down from the railing in the process.  
  
"Hi," Tatsuha said, hands in his pockets and a sheepish grin on his face.  
  
"Tatsuha-kun!" Ryuuichi jumped down from the railing and almost bounced with joy. "That was a neat trick! How did you find me?"  
  
"By accident. There's a record shop nearby that I like." Tatsuha teared his eyes off Ryuuichi, looking almost guilty, and turned them to the sky instead.  
  
"Really? Is it a good shop?" Ryuuichi wanted to know.   
  
Tatsuha laughed, scratching the back of his head. "Well, um... I actually go there every time I'm in Tokyo because they're the only store I know that has all your singles. Even the earliest ones."  
  
"I thought those were sold out ages ago!" Ryuuichi's eyes widened. Then he grinned and grabbed Tatsuha's arm. "I'm afraid you'll just have to show the shop to me! Come on, let's go, let's go!"  
  
"Watch out, your ice-cream is melting!" Tatsuha pointed out, his hands flying from his pockets to be ready to help.   
  
Ryuuichi raised the cone and started saving what could be saved. "I'm SO messy," he announced, not rattled by the fact at all. "I can never eat ice cream without getting it all over my face."  
  
"Like with the whipped cream in that drink?" Tatsuha asked.   
  
"Yeah, like that," Sakuma said and gave him a quick glance. Tatsuha blushed and looked away. Sakuma laughed and threw the rest of the ice-cream into a trash bin as Tatsuha started leading the way to the small record shop.  
  
+  
  
Tatsuha could never have guessed that he would be discussing the Nittle Grasper's early works with the singer himself. Sakuma was almost as excited as a child in the Christmas morning; he kept picking up random records and chattering about them until even the owner of the small store had to join their conversation. It was exhausting, yet inspiring at the same time to be with Sakuma. Tatsuha cut in every time the plump man started inquiring if anyone had ever told his friend that he looked a lot like Sakuma Ryuuichi. Sakuma himself simply smiled sweetly as Tatsuha tried to distract the man. He didn't know what the other thought about it, but he himself didn't want *anyone* to know.  
  
*Nobody's gonna take this moment away and put it on a friggin' magazine!* he found himself thinking, then hazarded a glance towards the music magazines piled neatly in their own section. Luckily they all looked several years old.  
  
"Tatsuha-kun," Sakuma said and grabbed his sleeve, "Look at this!" He shoved a C-cassette under Tatsuha's blinking eyes. "I can't believe there are still some copies of this around! This must've been, like, my favourite pop album in the 80's! I got this album from a friend of mine during my first year of high school. Do you remember them? They were sooo awesome!"  
  
Tatsuha could only smile as if he knew what Sakuma was talking about. When that album had got out, he had most likely still been in the cradle.  
  
"I'm gonna buy this!" Sakuma announced, hugging the cassette joyfully to his chest. "I only have the LP and that's not the same, and besides I can't play LPs in my hotel room. Mister! How much is this record, please?"   
  
"Oh, for you, I can sell it for half the price," the man smiled from behind his counter. "I was actually planning on removing that one from the shelf since no one bought it. Nobody else seems to appreciate those mid-80s' techno pioneers."   
  
"It's a shame, really!" Sakuma nodded sympathetically. "Especially since Hanada was such a great singer!"  
  
"We'd better get going, it's past four," Tatsuha said. He didn't like the way the owner kept looking at Sakuma. He was sure he must've recognised him.  
  
"PAST FOUR?!" Sakuma yelled, and then started jumping up and down under Tatsuha and the owner's surprised eyes. "I left Kumagorou all alone in the hotel room for almost five hours! He must be mad at me!" the singer wailed, biting his lower lip and looking cute and helpless.   
  
"I thought so, you're Sakuma Ryuuichi, aren't you!" The owner leaned forward. "I was sure I'd seen you before! There's no fooling an old music enthusiast! So *this* is why Uesugi-san always asks for the Nittle Grasper records!"  
  
Tatsuha froze, but only for a second. Then he grabbed the almost crying Sakuma by the arm and started pushing him out of the shop. "Sorry but we really have to go now!"  
  
They hurried out and started walking away fast, as if they were afraid the man would follow them. Or at least Tatsuha walked fast. Sakuma was more or less just following him.  
  
"Tatsuha! Tatsuha-kun! What's wrong? You really got spooked by something! I'm sure Kumagorou is fine, he's probably just a bit angry."  
  
"I just thought it was happening all over again," Tatsuha said, slowly shaking his head.   
  
Yeah, what was he marching for? Half the world knew who Sakuma was when they saw him. He needed to relax.  
  
"Oh, you mean what happened in front of the Sinister?" Sakuma asked.  
  
"You... saw the magazine?" Tatsuha carefully asked, glancing at Sakuma warily. To his own amazement and relief, he didn't blush.   
  
The singer nodded. "They asked me about it in the yesterday's interview."  
  
"But did you see the article?" Tatsuha insisted.  
  
Sakuma looked at him, a bit startled. "Nnooo... which one?"  
  
Tatsuha stopped both walking and breathing. "There... were more than one...?"  
  
"Well, the Bop Peat gave it a few lines in its latest number, but don't worry, K has connections in the company so they edited your name off. It was nothing much. Just the usual stuff they make up of me."  
  
"Oh," Tatsuha muttered.   
  
His stomach did the talking for him as it loudly protested for being forgotten.  
  
"I'm hungry, too!" Sakuma broke into a sunny smile again, in only a second's time. "Let's grab something to take with us to the hotel!"  
  
When they stopped by a fast food stand and Sakuma made the orders, something dawned to Tatsuha and he swallowed hard. Sakuma Ryuuichi was going to take him with him to the hotel. Oh god, even the thought made his nose feel bloody!   
  
*The way we've been walking around and stuff, it's like a... like a date?*  
  
He glanced at the lively 31-year-old who had just started chattering with the person next in the line, and promptly turned red in the face.  
  
*I wish I knew what he's thinking. My own process of thought doesn't seem to get me anywhere...*  
  
+  
  
It was not until the two of them stood in the lift which was taking them up to the seventh floor of the hotel building when Tatsuha spoke again. It was such a small, closed space. He felt he had to talk.  
  
"You know, Sakuma-san... I thought you'd be angry with me."  
  
Sakuma gave him a sharp glance and a cold hand crawled to squeeze at Tatsuha's heart. "Did you read the note, Tatsuha? Call me on *one condition*. I don't want you to call me Sakuma-san. Don't do it!"  
  
Tatsuha was taken aback. He thought he was used to Sakuma's sudden mood changes by now, but the singer sounded more serious than ever before, which confused him. After all, it wasn't a big deal... was it?  
  
"I'm not angry," Sakuma continued, looking down. "And I don't understand why you have to ask. *I* pulled you into this stupid mess, didn't I?"  
  
"Ryuuichi..."   
  
Tatsuha leaned closer to put a hand over the other's shoulder to make him look at him, but Sakuma surprised him again by suddenly straightening and looking straight up to Tatsuha's face, his eyes back to their usual brightness.  
  
"You know, Uesugi-san... I thought you'd be angry with me," he repeated Tatsuha's own words, even imitating his tone of voice.  
  
At first, Tatsuha blushed furiously at the close proximity. Sakuma - no, Ryuuichi - was face to face with him, their noses only inches apart, and he looked cute enough to eat with that glint in his eyes. After a silent while of mutual staring, the playful mood got hold of Tatsuha, too, and they both burst into laughter.  
  
The lift arrived in the right floor and they climbed out, Ryuuichi heading to the door of his room. He took his key and unlocked the door, stuffing the food packages under his arm. Tatsuha followed him to the room.  
  
"Could you unpack these? I gotta go see to Kumagorou!" Ryuuichi put their food on the floor and then headed to his pink bunny which was placed on the bed.   
  
He jumped on the bed next to it and poked the bunny carefully. "Kumagorou...? C'mon, don't be like that!"  
  
Tatsuha watched his conversation with the stuffed bunny, smiling.  
  
"I don't like Ryuu-chan anymore! You left me sitting here with nothing to do!" Ryuuichi did the bunny's voice and lifted its paw to hit him on the top of his head. "Ouch, don't hit me! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Next time I'll take you with me, I promise. But look who I brought with me!" Ryuuichi turned around and presented the hamburger-devouring Tatsuha to Kumagorou. "Didn't you tell me you wanted to see him again?"  
  
Ryuuichi tilted the bunny's head as if it was hesitating. Then he and the bunny jumped down on to the floor in front of Tatsuha and Tatsuha suddenly got a face full of hugging bunny. "Yep! I really wanted to see Tatsuha! 'Cause y'know, Kumagorou likes Tatsuha sooo much!"  
  
Tatsuha took the bunny off both his face and Ryuuichi's hands and stared at the singer in wonderment.  
  
"Good thing that Kumagorou likes you!" Ryuuichi said and smiled, his eyes crinkling up.   
  
Then he reached out to get the bunny back in his hands and Tatsuha handed it over to him, looking at him searchingly from under his eyebrows.   
  
"Now let's see, do we have something to drink?" Ryuuichi wondered aloud, walking towards the minibar with Kumagorou lying on his head.   
  
Tatsuha narrowed his eyes. *Either I was born yesterday or then he plays some sort of game with me...*  
  
Ryuuichi pulled out two cans of beer from the minibar and threw the other to Tatsuha. "It's American, but I hope you don't mind!"  
  
Actually Tatsuha did mind, since he had never been a particularly good drinker, not even for a sixteen-year-old, and he didn't like that icky-sweet American stuff, but he just shrugged cheerfully.  
  
"It's only half past four in the afternoon, and we're drinking?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Uh-uh. None of that! This here is officially my day off, and I can drink if I want to!" Ryuuichi wiggled his finger playfully at him.  
  
"Okay, okay!" Tatsuha opened the can and took a sip to wash down the rest of his hamburger. "You gonna join me? Your food's getting cold."  
  
Ryuuichi sat down and started munching, and for a while, they both just ate and drank, too hungry to talk.  
  
"Hey, Tatsuha-kun," Ryuuichi then started the conversation again, "which NG record do you like best?"  
  
"Which one..." Tatsuha shrugged and gulped down rest of the much-too-sweet beer. Was that the second can? Maybe the third? "I like every one of your records, but I think the third one was the best. Why?"  
  
Ryuuichi leaned against the bed and stretched out his legs. "Mm. I'm just curious. Did you mean the special edition which had the remix versions or the original one?"  
  
"The original one," Tatsuha immediately replied, "I think the remixes drowned out your voice. And I didn't like Sakata Konno's slide guitar, his way of playing didn't suit your style. I guess he was just too old-fashioned."  
  
"You're a very unusual fan, you know that?" Ryuuichi said and winked.  
  
"What?" Tatsuha's eyes grew big and he blushed slightly.   
  
Ryuuichi laughed kind-heartedly at his expression. "Well, obviously! You know all these little facts about Nittle Grasper and insist on calling me Sakuma-san, but you still said you don't want my autograph. I think that's a little bit unusual, don't you?"  
  
"I guess... that's just because..." Tatsuha's voice trailed off. He stared down at the empty beer can.   
  
*Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't... Fuck, but I WANT to say it...*  
  
"Because?" Ryuuichi asked, raising his eyebrows and leaning closer curiously.  
  
"Uh... it's because... you..." Tatsuha tried to catch the line of thought that was slipping further away the closer Ryuuichi got.  
  
"What about me?" Ryuuichi practically purred, and suddenly Tatsuha noticed that Ryuuichi was on his hands and knees in between Tatsuha's legs, his face only a couple of inches away.  
  
"Um... R-Ryuuichi..." Tatsuha leaned backwards and tried to crawl away from the dangerously close coming man before doing something he would regret.   
  
He gasped when Ryuuichi stopped him by grabbing a hold of his shirt and pulling Tatsuha to him. "Don't run away when I'm trying to seduce you," the singer murmured to his neck before pressing a hot kiss on his skin.   
  
Tatsuha couldn't help the surprised moan that escaped him, and his eyes fluttered shut as Ryuuichi pressed a series of breathy kisses along his neck and face all the way to his temple. His arms quickly found their way around Ryuuichi and eager hands started feeling their way under his shirt.  
  
*Is this happening? Really... happening...*  
  
Ryuuichi's hands dug into Tatsuha's hair as he continued kissing his face, hot lips touching every possible place except where Tatsuha most wanted them. Finally he removed one hand from around Ryuuichi to the back of his head and crushed their lips together. Ryuuichi gasped into his mouth, and Tatsuha felt a shiver go through him. He wanted to make Ryuuichi gasp again.   
  
Tentatively, he licked Ryuuichi's lips when they came apart for a second for breath. The older man reacted in a second, shoving his tongue in Tatsuha's mouth hungrily. The kiss grew deeper and harsher, and Tatsuha didn't even come to think that it was his first French kiss. Need compensated the lack of experience.   
  
His fingers dug into Ryuuichi's back, which made the singer push himself harder against him, eliciting groans from both of them.  
  
"Nnh... Ta-tsu-ha..."   
  
Ryuuichi started pushing Tatsuha's shirt off, and they came apart for the second it took to pull the shirt over his head. Tatsuha's head was almost spinning in the middle of all the sensations, and his brain had dropped behind minutes ago. He started frantically ripping open Ryuuichi's shirt, wanting to feel his skin against his own, but the other man stopped him by taking both his hands and pulling him up on his feet. Tatsuha adapted to the new situation quickly, wrapping his arms around Ryuuichi and crushing the singer to him so that every possible part of their bodies touched. Blood boiling in his veins, he captured Ryuuichi's lips again and gave him a clumsy, forceful kiss. The older man responded full-heartedly, squirming against the other and thus making Tatsuha moan into his mouth.  
  
When they finally had to come apart for breath, Ryuuichi clinged to Tatsuha's shoulders as if his legs wouldn't support him.  
  
"Tatsuha..." He panted, his cheeks flushed and eyes shining with desire.   
  
Seeing the other man look up at him like this, every detail straight from his dreams, filled Tatsuha with lust. He couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed a hold of the collar of Ryuuichi's shirt and with fumbling hands, started pulling it off him. Ryuuichi looked up with big, surprised eyes when Tatsuha pushed Ryuuichi's hands off his shoulders in the process. Having lost his support, Ryuuichi stumbled backwards, and with Tatsuha's hands still wounded around him, he pulled Tatsuha with him. Luckily the bed was right behind them, and they fell down, Ryuuichi on his back and Tatsuha right over him, their legs tangling.   
  
Tatsuha straightened up a little to rest his legs on each side of Ryuuichi's body and supporting his upper body on his hands, so that he could see Ryuuichi's face.  
  
"Slow down," the singer said and laughed, a little bit out of breath, squirming to get into a better position under him. "This isn't a race!"  
  
"You're telling me to slow down now?" Tatsuha asked, grinning, but watched Ryuuichi's face intensely for any signs of resistance. His heart was beating so fast it almost got out of his chest and he momentarily froze.   
  
*Please, gods, let me get this right and I'll be forever grateful...*  
  
Ryuuichi snaked one hand behind Tatsuha's head and brought him down for a sweet, wet kiss. "I'm telling you to slow down, not stop," he said against his lips. "It's not that I'm complaining, but you were almost like an over-eager teenager!"  
  
*If you only knew how right you are...* Tatsuha thought to himself, then distracted himself by starting to push the ripped-open shirt all the way off Ryuuichi, kissing each newly-exposed part of skin. This distracted him better than he had intended, because having Ryuuichi arch up to his touch made him forget all about taking it slow. Tasting the salty sweat on his skin, Tatsuha worked his way down to Ryuuichi's stomach, pausing to give each rib a small bite. In the meanwhile, his hands struggled to open the buttons of Ryuuichi's corduroys. If he could've just ripped them open like he had practically done with the shirt, he would've.  
  
The buttons came undone and Ryuuichi raised his hips enough to kick the corduroys off with the help of Tatsuha's eager hands. While Tatsuha was busy freeing himself from his currently awfully tight jeans, Ryuuichi fluently removed his underwear and sat up next to him, nipping his earlobe lightly.  
  
"Which way you wanna take this?" he asked, breathing into his ear.  
  
Tatsuha blushed furiously, realising he actually had very little idea of what actually was to come next. "I think that's your call, after all, you started this, right?" he blurted out, not knowing how else to answer. It was all the same to him, as long as something would happen soon.   
  
Ryuuichi didn't answer for a moment. He licked Tatsuha's ear painstakingly slowly, then whispered into it, "You haven't been with a man before, have you?"   
  
His breath on the wet skin made little shivers dance up Tatsuha's spine and he bit back a moan. He recalled Ryuuichi's teasing words of 'an over-eager teenager' and tried his best not to appear as one, although it was getting near impossible.  
  
"Take it easy," Ryuuichi said, taking Tatsuha's chin in one hand and turning his head to look at him. The singer smiled. "It's not all that different from doing it with a woman. But hey, just to make it all easier for you, how about you take the lead?"  
  
Tatsuha jumped a little, and if he hadn't been red in the face already, he would've blushed. "You... really want me to...?"  
  
"Yeah, I really want you to," Ryuuichi replied readily, imitating his tone of voice again. He snickered when Tatsuha playfully pouted at his mocking and grabbed a hold of Tatsuha's shoulders, pulling him on top of him. "Just get back to what you were doing and I'll shut up," he said, laughing, "I told you I babble too much!"  
  
Tatsuha was catching on to the mood again, though he was still a bit lost. He didn't let it hold him back as he started ravishing Ryuuichi again, the older man's hands guiding him. Feeling adventurous, he started nipping Ryuuichi's skin again, loving the way the other squirmed in his arms. Ryuuichi near screamed when Tatsuha's teeth found one pink nipple.  
  
"Oh, Tatsuha!" Ryuuichi gasped, on the verge of both tears and laughter, "Wait, wait, wait! In the drawer - there're lube and condoms in the drawer, I think they're in the upper-- "  
  
"In a minute, I'm busy now," Tatsuha ground out, proceeding to give the other nipple the same treatment.   
  
"Tatsuha, you're, oh, you're such a baa~ad boy!" Ryuuichi arched up his back, grabbing a handful of Tatsuha's black hair with one hand, and reached out to pull off Tatsuha's underwear with the other. Tatsuha reluctantly left the delicious, blushing skin and reached out to open the drawer.   
  
When he returned, he immediately got a violently passionate kiss. "Hurry up and get inside me or I'll pull the over-eager teenager on you!" Ryuuichi said in a breathy voice, smiling expectantly as he wrapped his legs around him.  
  
"Try and stop me," Tatsuha growled, and they fell back on the bed in a mess of tangled limbs, sharing another steamy kiss. 


	5. Track Five

+++++  
  
Track Five  
  
Shuuichi hopped from the bathroom to the living-room to get back to his lyrics-writing. Yuki was away, discussing the cover of his next book with some people from his publishing company and the whole house was his. He had already put on some music and scattered all his things around the living-room - the only place left unconquered was the place Tatsuha had called his own.   
  
Shuuichi sat down on the floor, next to the pile of paper, pens and snacks. *Lessee, where was I? Shallow no kokoro wa itsumo-- *  
  
The doorbell interrupted him.  
  
*Tatsuha-kun! It has to be him! I was starting to wonder, he's been out all day...*  
  
Shuuichi got up on his feet and hurried to the door.   
  
Behind it was not Tatsuha, but Mika, who had her arms folded over her chest and a stern look on her face. "Shuuichi. Is my brother here?"  
  
Shuuichi blinked a few times, then replied, "Yuki's gone to talk with some people about the cover of his new book. I don't know when he'll be back, he didn't tell me though I tried to ask him!"  
  
Mika went inside past him and put her handbag on the floor, sighing. "Actually I didn't mean him. Is Tatsuha still here?"  
  
Shuuichi closed the door and followed Mika. "Oh, him? He's not in either, he went out a good while ago. Said something about... uh... was it a record shop or something? Anyway, he's been gone the whole day. I thought it was him ringing the doorbell."  
  
Mika nodded sharply and sat down on the sofa, rubbing her temple as if she was trying to decide what to do next.   
  
Shuuichi put his hands behind his back and came carefully closer, looking at her curiously. "Um, Mika-san? Is something wrong?"  
  
"Not really," Mika said a bit snappily, "Except that I seem to be the only one in our family who is interested in keeping the family together. It's our mother's birthday tomorrow and it seems only father and me and Touma will be attending. Tatsuha decides to run off without even telling anyone his mobile number and I'm not even going to *try* coaxing Eiri to come. God knows I've tried before." She sighed again, wearily, and gave Shuuichi a tired smile. "Look, I'm sorry for pouring this all on you. It doesn't concern you, after all. I've just been behind the wheel all day, I'm a little tired. Could I leave a message for Tatsuha in case he comes back?"  
  
"But I *have* his mobile number!" Shuuichi announced, bouncing up and grabbing his own mobile phone. He looked up the number and handed the phone to Mika. "Call him and ask him when he's coming back! I'm going to make dinner for Yuki and I'm sure he's hungry too!"  
  
Mika smiled gratefully and took the mobile from him, then clicked the dial button.  
  
She got to listen to the dialing tone for a long time, then Tatsuha hastily answered. "Yeah?"  
  
"Tatsuha, it's your sister," Mika told him. "I just wanted to remind you that it's your mother's birthday tomorrow and you have a whole lot of school summer work to do back home. Father was quite worried about you since you haven't called!"  
  
"Oh, don't you start," Tatsuha whisked her off. "As if he even noticed I was gone. Look, um, I'm a little bit busy right now, so I'll call you later, okay? Bye."   
  
He hung up.  
  
"What did I do to get burdened with two impossible little brothers?" Mika held her head, offering Shuuichi the mobile back.  
  
"Did he tell you when he's gonna be back?" Shuuichi inquired.  
  
Mika shook her head, then picked up her handbag and headed to the door. "I give up. He's obviously made up his mind. Well, I should've known. Good evening and sorry for disturbing you, Shuuichi."  
  
"Oh, no bother!" Shuuichi's hand flew to the back of his head and he smiled widely.  
  
"And if you're going to cook for Eiri, then keep in mind that he doesn't like heavily seasoned food." Mika gave him a smile and shut the door after herself.  
  
+  
  
"Who was that?" Ryuuichi asked, absent-mindedly brushing Tatsuha's hair off his eyes.  
  
"Mika," Tatsuha said and made a face. "Sisters just don't leave you alone."   
  
He reached out for his clothes, only now realising that the room was very well lit and not even the curtains had been drawn over the huge window. He could actually see afternoon traffic hurry by the hotel building. He felt a whole lot more naked than a moment before. Ryuuichi didn't seem to mind. He lay on his back, cover thrown absent-mindedly over him.  
  
"Mika?" Ryuuichi asked, eyeing Tatsuha. "Seguchi Mika?"  
  
"That's her," Tatsuha said and nodded, returning onto the bed to dress up when he finally found his briefs and jeans. "The world's biggest meddler in her brothers' affairs!"   
  
Ryuuichi watched him with a smile on his face. "Isn't it kinda weird that we haven't met before? Your sister being married to Touma and all."  
  
"Well, yeah, but you see, me and Mika, we're not really all that close." Tatsuha turned to look at him. "If we were, I would perhaps know Seguchi Touma better. But Mika keeps him to herself as if he's some kinda expensive toy."  
  
Ryuuichi laughed, then gave him a coy look. "How mean of you to say that! Now come over here. Afternoon sex always makes me so tired. I wanna cuddle." He patted the mattress beckoningly.  
  
Tatsuha paused in the middle of pulling on his jeans, uncertain of what to answer.   
  
Ryuuichi tilted his head. "Or do you want to go shower first?"   
  
"Give me a minute, okay?" Tatsuha found himself laughing nervously. "This kinda thing doesn't happen to me every day!"  
  
"Oh, just get your ass in here!" Ryuuichi wound his arms around Tatsuha's waist and pulled him down on his back playfully. "It's nothing you should wreck your brain over! What's so strange and special about having sex with someone you like, huh?"  
  
Tatsuha rolled on his side so that he could face Ryuuichi. "*You're* special."  
  
Ryuuichi smiled faintly, shaking his head. "No, I'm not."  
  
"You are!" Tatsuha protested, feeling his cheeks flush. He knitted his brows and bit his lower lip, feeling that this might be the right time to be honest. "You're - you've always been special to me."  
  
"Please, don't say that. You don't even know me." The smile and playfulness had disappeared from Ryuuichi's face. He snuggled close to Tatsuha, burrowing his face in the crook of his neck.  
  
"M-maybe so," Tatsuha managed. His throat felt suddenly strangely tight. Why did he get the feeling that something was horribly, horribly wrong? "But then, there are things you don't know about me, either..."  
  
"Tell me," Ryuuichi muttered against his skin. "I want to know."  
  
"If you promise to tell me about yourself," Tatsuha said quietly.   
  
"Okay," Ryuuichi agreed, looking up, and Tatsuha was relieved to see that his eyes were bright and laughing. "Let's play a game. A question for a question, and an answer for an answer. How's that?"  
  
Tatsuha nodded. What else was he to do?  
  
Ryuuichi separated himself from Tatsuha in order to get to a better position, where he could see Tatsuha's face. He settled for lying lazily half over Tatsuha. "I go first. Tatsuha-kun, what are you worrying about right now?"  
  
"I'm not worrying!" Tatsuha blinked. "Why would I-- "  
  
"Because you just had a fanboy's dream come true, but you're still vaguely unsatisfied?" Ryuuichi tilted his head.   
  
Tatsuha could only stare. Ryuuichi saw straight through him! He'd felt that way all day when they'd been together. There was no way to hide anything from him.   
  
*It's a damn big cliche, but I get the feeling he sees right into my soul...*   
  
A telltale blush appeared on his cheeks. *Was that cheesy or what...?*  
  
Ryuuichi poked his nose. "That blush says I was right! Hey, what was the prize for the right answer?"  
  
"We didn't talk anything about a prize!" Tatsuha said and laughed, "You just made that up!"  
  
"Aww, you figured it out! Guilty as charged," Ryuuichi admitted with a theatrical sigh.  
  
"Uh, Ryuuichi?" Tatsuha tried to return back to the subject. "How did you actually guess that? I mean, am I really that obvious?"  
  
"You're not obvious", Ryuuichi replied evenly, "it's just that I've been in this situation before." He sighed, but no longer for dramatic effect. His eyes had turned into those indifferent, cool eyes that Tatsuha had so often ogled at on the screen. "You're not the first fan I've dragged into my room, you know."  
  
After this quiet comment it felt like a wall of ice had suddenly appeared between them. Ryuuichi rolled off Tatsuha and lied on his back, facing away from him. Tatsuha looked at him and the grip of jealousy kept him from saying anything.  
  
*He says that like - like it's all the same to him, that I'm just one person in the long row of people who pass through him... That I'm - I'm nothing at all... nothing special...*  
  
"Just an..." he started voicing the thought.   
  
Ryuuichi slowly turned to look at him.  
  
"...arm candy?" Tatsuha finished, his voice just barely audible.  
  
"What?" Ryuuichi asked incredulously, sitting up and staring at Tatsuha. 


	6. Track Six

+++++  
  
Track Six  
  
"I don't care *what* you say it is," Yuki stated, hiding his face behind a book again, "none of that stuff looks even remotely edible."  
  
Shuuichi poked at the sad pile of Something on the plate. "Well, I - um - from this angle, it kinda *looks* like it might be - I mean-- "  
  
Yuki walked over to the kitchen door, not looking back.   
  
Shuuichi bit his lower lip and let out a little groan. It wasn't *his* fault Hiro had called just when he should've been watching the stove and... Okay, so maybe just a little; he should've been more attentive, as always. Shuuichi  
  
*knew* that was his weak point, not being able to concentrate on things - with perhaps the exception of singing. He hung his head and felt disappointed and a complete failure. Yuki didn't even bother to look at him...  
  
"Well?"  
  
The sound of Yuki's voice made Shuuichi's head snap up. "Huh?"  
  
Yuki was peeking at Shuuichi over his shoulder. "You'd better get something a bit nicer to wear, and be quick about it."  
  
"What?" Shuuichi was completely baffled. "Why?"  
  
"Because," Yuki said, turning his back to him and walking off, "I'm not taking you out to eat if you're wearing those shorts and t-shirt."  
  
He could almost hear furry cat ears appearing on the top of Shuuichi's head, and in seconds, he was squeezed so tight he could hardly breathe.  
  
"Yuki!" Shuuichi chirped, the voice muffled by the back of Yuki's shirt, "I so, so absolutely ADORE you, y'know that?"  
  
"Yeah," Yuki said and sighed, "I got the idea." The sides of his mouth quirked up in a brief, secret smile as he felt Shuuichi nuzzling his neck.   
  
"Hey, Yuki... I have this really *great* idea for when we come b-- "  
  
The sound of the doorbell made them both startle a bit.  
  
"I'll go get it," Yuki said, peeling Shuuichi off his back and walking over to the door. His jaw tightened and a small frown appeared on his face. He had very firm suspicion of who was behind the door as he irritatedly flung it open.   
  
He crossed his arms over his chest as he noticed his guess has been correct.  
  
Tatsuha didn't say anything, didn't even look at him. For a while Yuki waited for him to give him one of his ridiculous excuses, then took his arm and hauled the apparently frozen-to-place boy inside.  
  
"Yuki, who is it?" Shuuichi came after Yuki, but stopped on his heels when he saw Tatsuha. Or, didn't see him, for Tatsuha didn't lift his eyes from the floor, and his coal black hair covered half of his face. "T-Tatsuha-kun?"  
  
"All right, what is it?" Yuki asked, running one hand through his hair. "Do I have to go buy you a ticket to the next train to Kyoto, or are you going to explain?"  
  
Tatsuha walked past the two to the living room. "I'm fine," he said quietly.  
  
Shuuichi looked after him, then at Yuki, a deep frown of concern on his face. "Yuki? What should we do? He's acting all weird!" he whispered loudly.  
  
"That's his problem. *We* are going to a restaurant." Yuki looked at him sternly. "Go get dressed."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Go get dressed."  
  
Shuuichi nodded, unable to do anything else when he noticed that Yuki was losing his patience, and headed over to the living room where most of his clothes were at, scattered throughout the floor.   
  
Shuuichi picked up the loose beige-coloured pants he had been wearing the day before and shook them back into shape. His eyes wandered over to Tatsuha, who was half buried in Shuuichi's CD collection.  
  
"Go right ahead," Shuuichi said, trying for a cheerful tone, "take anything you like! Don't even bother asking!"  
  
"Do you have any Luna Sea?" Tatsuha asked. "Or anything with a female singer?"  
  
"Well, guess what, those Nittle Grasper records you were asking about before, I found them in the studio. They're over there," Shuuichi said, gesturing at the pile of paper and records on the sofa.  
  
Tatsuha jumped, which made his hair move just enough to reveal his suddenly paled face. He shook his head, almost violently. "No, no NG. No. I - maybe if you have something a bit more cheerful-- "  
  
Shuuichi hopped into his pants and then picked up a blue, long-sleeved shirt and walked over to Tatsuha. "But they're those bootleg recordings from the Niigata Live concert! You know, when Ryuuichi wore those huge wing-thingies, and you said he sang like an angel?"  
  
Tatsuha swallowed and ran a nervous hand through his hair and down his face. "No. No, I - that is, I'm not in the mood, and - anyway, I've been listening to my NG records all the time I've been here."  
  
Shuuichi kneeled down next to him, fingering a few of his CDs. "Oh, right, you brought them all over! Hey, did you get any cool stuff from that record shop you were going to visit?" Shuuichi looked around, then continued, "And where's your backpack, didn't you have it with you?"  
  
Tatsuha gasped, as if badly startled.  
  
"What?" Shuuichi asked, blinking.  
  
"Shuuichi," Yuki called, "Are you ready? Let's go."  
  
"Coming!" Shuuichi jumped up and tried to glomp him, but Yuki took a gracious sidestep.  
  
+  
  
Tatsuha listened to the ruckus resulting in Shuuichi's nose dive, and the bickering that followed it. He wished the two would just leave and let him be alone with his thoughts.  
  
"We'll be back soon!" Shuuichi called from the door, and Tatsuha muttered something in reply.   
  
Then the door slammed closed and he was left to sit in the empty apartment, his thoughts going in circles.  
  
*I meant everything I said.* Tatsuha bit his teeth. *Fuck it, I have some pride. I had every right to give him a piece of my mind, after he treated me like that - like some kind of a boy whore, for fuck's sake! I all but expected him to give me a special signed NG single as payment!*   
  
He stood up, so fast his head started to spin, and jammed his fist to the nearest wall. *Fuck the bastard, he doesn't give a shit, why the hell should I?*   
  
He took a few deep breaths, finding himself out of breath due to sheer fury. That calmed him down gradually, and he sank back on the floor, murmuring every possible curseword he knew.   
  
*Because, Uesugi Tatsuha, you biggest idiot in the whole fucking world, you have fallen in love with him, the huge popstar Sakuma Ryuuichi. Didn't everyone warn you about it, always nag you about how stupid and delusional you were? And now, you're blaming it all on him, as if you were *raped* instead of had a dream made true. Dreams will *always* be just dreams, Tatsuha. What did you expect, poetic confessions of undying love? For fuck's sake, how *girl* can you get, anyway?*  
  
The backs of his eyes had started to sting again. They had stung all the time when he had ran out of the hotel building and through the streets, but he had fought to keep the tears from spilling out. No way was he going to start crying like a dumped girlfriend! He had to maintain what little pride he still had. Recover what was still remaining of his splittered self-image.  
  
Shakily, he peeled off his leather jacket and let it drop on the floor. His shoes soon followed it.   
  
*I'd better get some rest, change my clothes to get rid of his smell... damn, but it's all over this shirt... *  
  
The doorbell. He sighed and got on his feet. Most likely Shuuichi forgetting something, the airhead. He walked lazily over to the door and opened it.  
  
And he stared. Ryuuichi looked back, eyes big and warm.   
  
For a long while, neither of them made a sound. As a matter of fact, the whole world had just seemed to take a screeching halt.  
  
"Here, you forgot this." Ryuuichi offered Tatsuha his backpack, and he took it without a word. Ryuuichi's eyes left Tatsuha and he looked around him. "You can tell me to piss off and I'll go, I just..."  
  
"What?" Tatsuha cleared his throat and tried again, "What do you want from me?"  
  
Although his voice was empty and held no particular bitterness or sting, it seemed to make Ryuuichi wince. The singer opened his mouth, then closed it again, shuffled his feet nervously and tried to find something to do with his hands, now that he no longer had the backpack. "I - I don't know, actually. Something's wrong, and I think we need to talk it over. I feel bad about what happened." He let out a little laugh that had nothing to do with happiness or cheer. "I suppose I just want to hear you say that you don't hate me. I'm kinda selfish that way..."  
  
Tatsuha was quiet, looking at his toes. He didn't know what to say, what to think. *Tell him you don't hate him, you know you never could, not really, just tellhimtellhimtellhim-- *  
  
Ryuuichi swallowed audibly, reaching out a hand to tug at Tatsuha's sleeve. "Please. It really means a lot to me."  
  
"I don't," Tatsuha finally managed thickly, shaking his head, avoiding Ryuuichi's eyes, "I don't hate you. Why, what would be the point? I can't just put all the blame on you, can I?"  
  
Ryuuichi's face brightened up and he smiled a tentative smile. Tatsuha barely had time to notice before he felt a pair of arms snake their way around his chest. Ryuuichi tucked his face under Tatsuha's chin and held him tightly in his embrace. "Thank you." The soft, sweet voice made Tatsuha's mind and heart go to turmoil. "Oh, I can be so horribly self-centered sometimes, can't I... I only thought of myself, and didn't even pause to think that you might not take it the same way I did." He let out a quiet laugh. "You just... get so used to the pattern that you eventually become blind to any other possibilities."  
  
Tatsuha brought his own hands up and another cupped Ryuuichi's head, the other slid down to press him closer to Tatsuha. He was shakily holding a dream. "No need to explain," he murmured, "you don't have to - you don't owe me anything."  
  
"Maybe I do." Ryuuichi raised his eyes to Tatsuha's and stared at him intensely. "I never did give you that chance to ask about me in return."   
  
"But that was just a - it doesn't matter," Tatsuha stuttered, melting under the sweet gaze.   
  
*But it does matter... more than anything.*  
  
"Ask," Ryuuichi said, almost inaudibly.  
  
Tatsuha would go mad if he couldn't kiss those lips soon. His hormones had started to take over his rational thought. "I think I already did. When you said that, that I was not the first... fan to... I wanted to know, I mean..."  
  
*You're babbling! Stop it, stop it, stop it! Think, Uesugi Tatsuha, THINK, with your brain and not with your cock!*  
  
He had almost convinced himself that he could restrain himself, when Ryuuichi shattered all his self-control by tucking a kiss under his chin; a teasing, light brush of his lips against Tatsuha's oversensitive skin. "Ah. Whether you are an arm candy or not."  
  
Tatsuha groaned; he couldn't help it anymore. He took a few steps backwards, pulling Ryuuichi with him, and kicked the door shut. They were left standing in the semi-darkness of the corridor, limbs tangling as their mouths easily found each other, mutual hunger speaking for them. Ryuuichi pushed Tatsuha against the wall, his hands travelling from his back to his chest, and then up to totally mess up his hair. Forcefully, he tilted Tatsuha's head to the other side and attacked his throat as if he wanted to eat him. His other hand moved to pull his t-shirt up. Tatsuha's eyes fluttered shut and he allowed himself to be ravished, stuffing his own hands into the backpockets of Ryuuichi's jeans and pulling him closer. The friction of their hips grinding together was enough to make his mind turn into a haze.  
  
"Candy..." Ryuuichi licked a long, wet line along Tatsuha's collar bone. "Oh yes... definitely..."  
  
"You should be illegal instead of me," Tatsuha ground out, sliding his hands up to feel a shudder go through Ryuuichi's whole body.   
  
He gave the older man a smoldering kiss, which Ryuuichi interrupted by pulling away and laughing, "I've always considered myself a bit of a rebel. Pray tell..." He pulled the t-shirt over Tatsuha's head and tossed it somewhere, and gave him a short, wet kiss. "...what particular law am I breaking if I do... oh, say... this?" He wrapped one arm around Tatsuha's waist and let his other hand slide down the teenager's chest, then stopped when he found a nipple and squeezed it between two fingers, then twisted it.  
  
A surprised moan escaped from Tatsuha before he bit his teeth together. The mixture of pain and pleasure sang through his veins, and he found his jeans achingly tight. "Ryuuichi," he breathed, "Oh... several, I'm sure..."  
  
Ryuuichi chuckled against his skin as Tatsuha's hands started to frantically tug off the older man's shirt. "You're still so impatient."  
  
Even through his desire, Tatsuha realised they were circling around a big topic here. He braced himself and looked down at Ryuuichi, clearing his head the best he could. "Ryuuichi, there's a reason."  
  
More chuckles. "I'm sure there is. Here, let me give you some more reasons..."   
  
The singer's hands wriggled inside Tatsuha's jeans.   
  
Tatsuha grabbed Ryuuichi's wrists and pulled his hands up to bring both of their attentions back to the topic. "No, seriously. I'm... there's something I haven't-- "  
  
Ryuuichi's eyes were somewhat confused and even a tad amused. "Something so important it can't wait?"  
  
"Yes," Tatsuha said sternly. His body screamed for Ryuuichi's touch, but he *had* to say this.  
  
The singer thought for a second. Then he pulled free from Tatsuha's grasp and hazarded a wary glance towards the living-room. "Is your brother at home?" He looked back at Tatsuha and stuck his tongue out playfully. "I think we'd better keep it down if he is, huh?"  
  
Tatsuha blushed slightly at the thought. "No, he and Shuuichi went out just before."  
  
Ryuuichi thought for a second more. "Okay", he then stated, and circled behind Tatsuha, snaking his arms around him. "Show me the way to someplace where we can... y'know... talk." His tone was decidedly suggestive, and he turned his head to give Tatsuha a dirty grin.  
  
"Did you know it's impossible to be serious around you?" Tatsuha grinned right back, nudging his nose with his own.   
  
Ryuuichi laughed again, his voice clear and playful. "Just doing my best to distract you. Now, move!"  
  
Among many heated kisses and a couple of undone jeans' buttons, they managed to find the closest room, which happened to be the living-room.   
  
Ryuuichi pulled away long enough to look around a bit. "Heey, necking on the sofa! Haven't done that since high school."  
  
Tatsuha cringed. Right to the topic.  
  
"Looks awfully small, though," Ryuuichi went on, hopping onto the sofa and pulling Tatsuha with him. "Might get stuffed, what with all these verr-ry serious topics we have to discuss." He threw one leg over Tatsuha's and moved to sit on his lap, facing him and capturing all his attention.  
  
Tatsuha wondered idly why he hadn't already got rid of that shirt Ryuuichi was still wearing and brought his hands up to remedy the fact. His fingers shook a little when he unbuttoned the shirt. He *had* to talk, about something that really bothered him, so why did Ryuuichi have to be so playfully seductive? He silently unbuttoned the rest of the buttons and let his hands slip inside the shirt and wrap around Ryuuichi. Gods, but he had such perfect skin... made to be touched, praised with kisses...  
  
"Ryuuichi. We really have to get one thing clear. *I* have to make it clear."  
  
"Go on," Ryuuichi softly said, "I'm listening."  
  
Tatsuha breathed deep, Ryuuichi's scent overwhelming his senses. "This is all really new to me, you know," he started, "And I'm kind of standing on my toes all the time..."  
  
"Hey, I have my insecurities, too," Ryuuichi cut in. "Everybody has."  
  
"Yeah, but... I'm just... there's so much at stake here. I'm afraid you'll hate me once I'm through."  
  
Ryuuichi smiled. "You're taking everything so seriously."  
  
Tatsuha looked up at him, his eyes narrowed and voice hurt. "I am! I happen to take this seriously, it's my bad, okay? My fuckin' bad!" He squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his forehead against Ryuuichi's shoulder. "Oh, fuck," he murmured, "I'm messing it all up."  
  
"Oh no, you're not getting all dramatic on me." Ryuuichi raised Tatsuha's chin and, smiling, gave him a light kiss on each cheek. "I *won't* hate you. For your information, I'm generally not very good at hating people! Just spit it out already. What horrible secrets do you keep?"  
  
Tatsuha hesitated and bit his lip. "The way you always tease me about being so impatient, y'know, like a teenager... um... what would you do if... I told you it's true?"  
  
Ryuuichi stared at him blankly.  
  
Tatsuha sighed irritatedly, and put an end to the short, uncomfortable silence. "I'm sixteen, Ryuuichi."  
  
Ryuuichi blinked, then slowly shook his head and chuckled disbelievingly. "No way. Nice try, Tatsuha, but you're almost a head taller than me!"  
  
"So I'm tall, it's in the family." Tatsuha shrugged, looking away. "Doesn't matter. I'm a kid no matter how big a kid I might be."  
  
It was silent for a moment.   
  
Then Tatsuha felt Ryuuichi's hand drop on the top of his head and looked up to meet warm brown eyes. Ryuuichi was biting his lower lip and frowning. "You're... really sixteen? I can't believe it. I thought you were at least 20."  
  
"Lots of people say that," Tatsuha said quietly. "Especially if they know my brother. Y'know, usually I'm happy when they think I'm 20-something, but it does get a bit tiring to be compared to Eiri all the time. We're not the same. As a matter of fact, we're everything *but* the same."  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" Ryuuichi asked, brushing Tatsuha's hair off his eyes. He looked like he hadn't heard a word of Tatsuha's muttered rant, his eyes wandering over Tatsuha's face as if looking for something. "Damn, Tatsuha... you should've told me."  
  
"Would you have had anything to do with me if I had told you?" Tatsuha asked rhetorically. "Would you have... " He blushed and shut his mouth, shaking his head. Why even ask.  
  
Ryuuichi ran his fingers over the blushing cheek. "And I wondered why you blushed so much. Tatsuha, if you had told me from the start... It was your first time, wasn't it? You should've told me."  
  
"Well, I didn't know you cared." Tatsuha could feel his cheeks starting to blush and distracted himself by kissing Ryuuichi's neck. "You don't ask an eye candy how old he is, do you?"  
  
Suddenly Ryuuichi laughed. "Oh, we're one big bundle of misunderstandings, aren't we."  
  
The laughter reached Tatsuha, too, and he chuckled as he leaned forward to kiss Ryuuichi's neck.  
  
The singer wrapped his arms around Tatsuha's back and pulled him as close as he could possibly get. "You're not an arm candy, Tatsuha, you're ever so much more, and I don't care if you are sixteen or sixty. Although speaking of candy, I seem to remember there are some parts of you I'd like to taste...." He pulled back enough to wink at Tatsuha, and slid gracefully down from Tatsuha's lap to kneel on the floor between Tatsuha's legs.  
  
"*Arm* candy not enough for you?" Tatsuha asked and grinned, raising his hips to help Ryuuichi pull his jeans down.  
  
Ryuuichi's eyes caught his, sparkling with joy, but behind the playfulness there was a smoldering fire that sent heat waves all over his young lover's body.   
  
"Oh no, Tatsuha. Not nearly enough..."  
  
~*~  
  
The End 


End file.
